Squares
by Rhea Hiryuu
Summary: A series of humorous drabbles written as a companion for the story 'Circles'. They are not part of the actual story but you need to read 'Circles' first to avoid spoilers and understand some of the jokes.
1. Option I

A/N: **PLEASE READ!**

Alright puny mortals, for all of you too stupid to heed the actual summery I feel I must warn you that this is a set of companion drabbles based on the fanfic 'Circles'. If you have not read 'Circles' then you'd better do so before you read this else the level of sheer randomness and insanity might just shock you into a state of greater stupidity than you already possess.

Rhea: Help!

This may seem an impossible feat but, I assure you, there is no true limit to human stupidity and it is, indeed, feasible. Do not read this unless you have already read 'Circles' and the various Author Notes at the beginning and ending of the chapters. Particularly those from Chapter 7 on up.

Rhea: Somebody help!

For those of you who _have_ read 'Circles' and are now prepared to read this…_thing_, I give you fair warning: This chapter will include a lack of sense and a serious case of Author insertion.

Rhea: Anybody? Can anyone hear me?-! Get me out of here!-!-!

Despite her own great lack of enthusiasm for this idea.

Rhea: HEEEEELP!-!-!

Silence, Woman! I'm in charge now! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! :3

(8)

**Option I  
The kitchen appliances organize a revolution and set out to conquer the bathrooms.**

"Titans! Do…um…something! Anything?" Nightwing requested almost pleadingly.

"Like _what_?" Cyborg demanded.

The living room was a complete mess. A mess which started with the kitchen and had spilled out into the rest of the tower. The refrigerator was keeping the food hostage, the microwave was bullying the toaster, the silverware was multiplying like bunnies, the coffee maker kept trying to commit suicide, spatulas were sharpening themselves on each other, measuring cups were cracking jokes and jeering at the spoons, and yet somehow, in the middle of it all, the waffle machine had called this chaos to order and the army of spoons, forks, and knives that was still increasing (not that anyone was sure how). Before the Titans were aware of what had happened, they'd been jumped, silverware-handled into Mad Mod's Titan Nullifying chairs, and had been brought into said living room to bear witness to the waffle machine's master plan to take over the world.

Which, for some odd reason, started with the bathrooms.

"Alright, I am willing to accept the notion that, _somehow_, the silverware repaired Mad Mod's chairs," Raven began.

"Goodbye cruel world!" cried the coffee machine as it leapt off the counter. "Ow!"

"But where did the other two chairs come from?" she asked.

"Just look at this mess! How often do you clean yourself, eh? All I have to do is hold you upside-down and now we've got a pile of burnt crunchy bits all over the floor!" the microwave complained.

"It still hurts. Why am I still alive?" the coffee machine whimpered.

"What are you? A tablespoon? A teaspoon? How can you tell? You can't, can you? 'CAUSE YOU JUST DON'T MEASURE UP! AHAHAHAHA!"

"How come that one is able to nullify Rorek?" Raven went on.

"Help us!", "Let us out!", "It's cold in here!", "Mommy!", "Moo!"

"You're not coming out of there unless you pledge allegiance to the wonder that is your Emperor, the Waffle Maker!" the waffle machine declared. "You have a choice to make. Join me or be crammed into the oven!"

"No one loves me anymore…" the oven sobbed. "No one wants an oven anymore. It's all about the microwave. I'm nothing more than a punishment now! WAAAAAAAAAH!-!-!"

"Oh for the love of buttermilk…" the waffle machine groaned.

"And, while we're on the subject, what, exactly, are _you_ suppose to be?" Raven demanded, turning to the seventh member of their little party. She had a ridiculous amount of wild violet hair that defied gravity like any good animated hairstyle, a set of three silver horns behind each pointed ear, and there was a long snake-like tail coming out over the side of her chair, which had been shackled down as well. Her nervous smile, which was more like a grimace really, showed a pair of rather large and sharp-looking canines. She opened her mouth to respond but Rorek got there first.

"She's a dragon. One that is not very good at her human form, I'm afraid." he told them.

"NO ONE'S PERFECT!" she exclaimed.

"All in order! I want the spoons to line up here, the forks, there, and the knives there!" the waffle machine commanded.

"Sir! What do you want us to do about the sporks, sir?" asked the meat cleaver.

"Sporks? I don't remember any sporks in the original inventory. How did that happen?" the waffle machine demanded.

"Well, you see, Sir…"

"Most dragons that have the ability to use a human form in the first place usually manage to get rid of the tail at the age of 15." he informed her.

"I'm a late bloomer!"

"And those fangs are _not_ in good taste."

"What would you know, huh?-! Human teeth are harder than you'd think!" she said, jerking her chair up and down in her agitation. This managed to tip the chair over, however, and it fell backwards. "Oof!"

"Hey, toaster, jump on me, will you?" the coffee machine begged.

"But you're made of glass bits. Won't it hurt?" the toaster asked.

"I'm hoping it will do more than just hurt."

Beast Boy, who had tipped his chair over first, gave the newcomer a friendly smile, "Hi ya! So, um, who are you again?"

"I think that's supposed to be the author." Nightwing admitted.

"What?-!" Raven exclaimed.

"Um…yeah…sorry about this…" she mumbled.

"Hang on, hang on. If you're the author, and you're here…" Beast Boy began.

"Then who's writing this?" Nightwing finished.

"My cat." the author whimpered.

"NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEEE!-!-!" the oven wailed.

"That's not true. We love you!" said the baking stones.

"Yeah, I don't care about you. You guys taste funny." the oven responded.

"WAAAAAAAH!"

"ENOUGH CRYING!-!-!" the waffle machine commanded. "What does a machine have to do to take over the world around here!-!-! You all get your acts into gear! The bathrooms are not going to conquer themselves!"

"Why would they need to? Technically they already rule themselves, don't they?" the microwave pointed out.

"INSUBORDINATION!"

The Titans all stared at the author. "Um, can't you do something?" Beast Boy asked.

"Like _what_? I write fanfiction! I'm not a superhero!"

"Alright, I want the forks to line up here, the spoons here, the knives there, the sporks over here, and whatever the crap the rest of you are over here. You will separate into five—what the—okay spread out! Make room for the new ones. Alright. Now. You will all separate into five teams. Team One will be lead by General Meat Cleaver…"

"But you're a dragon! Can't you do some dragon-powered magical stuff or something?" Cyborg asked.

"What, so just because I'm a dragon you all assume I have some great magical power or super strength or something? That is so speciesist!"

"Actually I would have thought you'd have some special power based on the fact that you're the _author_!" Raven snapped. "One would think that giving oneself special powers in a self-insert like this would be sheer common sense if only for the sake of survival."

"My cat's writing this and she didn't give me jack, okay? This is not my fault!"

"It is if you were the one who taught your cat how to use _a computer_."

"Aww…daanik."

"Take no prisoners! The enemy will either join us or die!" the waffle machine declared.

"Yay!" the kitchenware cheered.

"Alright, move out!"

Most all mobile appliances and tableware began marching out in military order that would have been perfect had it not been for the mild confusion caused by the continued spawning of silverware, one of which was a fork that had one side longer than the other with what looked to be an edge. All that was left was the oven, the sink, and the coffee machine, which was trying to convince the oven to open up and cook it.

"_Pleeeeeease_!"

"No, I don't like the taste of melted glass and burnt machine bits."

"So there's _nothing_ you can do?" Nightwing asked.

"I could torture them with bad singing. Or maybe I can fall asleep with my mouth open sans-mouthwash and see if my morning breath really _can_ melt plastic." she offered.

"Mmm…a bit risky, that." Rorek mused.

"So, what's gonna happen now?" Beast Boy asked.

"No idea." the author sighed. "I'm not writing this, remember? Sure the cat has my notes but I never intended to shove myself into this so I don't know _what_ she's planning."

"But you are writing 'Circles' still?"

"Yeeeees?" she responded suspiciously.

"So, who gets Raven? Rorek or Malchior?" Beast Boy asked cheerfully.

"BEAST BOY!" Raven snapped.

"Probably Malchior since Rorek's being a big fat meanie-head." the author replied.

Rorek twitched. Cyborg laughed. "Bad move baiting the author, dude!"

"You do realize that if Malchior were here he would be an even bigger and fatter 'meanie-head'." Rorek informed her coldly.

"Mmm, true." she admitted.

"In fact he would probably call you 'worm tail'."

"Yeah, okay."

"And 'dog teeth'."

"I get it! I get it!"

"I'm hungry." Beast Boy groaned.

"I've got a charcoal biscuit in my pocket somewhere…" the author offered. "If you can reach it. I'm afraid my tail is still out of commission. BUT SOMETIMES IT'S USEFUL OKAY?-!" she exclaimed pointedly.

"Um…you eat charcoal?"

The author sighed. "It's the draconic version of tofu, okay? I started eating it to lose weight and afterwards I couldn't go back to regular meat."

"And you're a vegetarian too. Malchior would have a field day with that, just so you know." Rorek told her.

"Alright! I get it! You're _both_ jerks!"

Suddenly each and every entrance to the living room exploded with screaming kitchen appliances, silverware, and some sort of crazy green goop that had developed huge fanged mouths. They were snarling and snapping at the appliances, devouring them and eating away at them like living acid. Many of the victims were screaming, others were shouting battle cries and attempting to fight, but the coffee machine leapt into the fray with a shout of joy and was completely ignored to its utter dismay.

The Titans stared.

"Okay, _what is that_?" Raven demanded.

"It seems my shampoo decided to fight back." Starfire said cheerfully.

They stared at her, and then back at the one-sided battle between shampoo and kitchen appliances. Then they all looked at the author.

"Okay, so that part _was_ part of my original idea…" she admitted sheepishly.

"I don't want to know." Raven stated.

(8)

A/N: And now I demand tribute for my hard work! You shall review and proclaim my genius. DO IT! DO IT NOW!

Rhea: Um, can I come out now?

No. You're staying in there until you learn your place, mortal!

Rhea: Can I at least have a Thu'um or two?-!

Why?

Rhea: Well, if I die then who's going to change your litter box?

Mmm…good point. Alright I'll think about it.

Rhea: Oh come on!-!-!


	2. Option A

A/N: Yay! I, your beloved author, am back in control again! Well…sort of…it's complicated.

(8)

**Option A  
Rorek falls madly in love with Raven on sight and begs to join the Titans.**

The wizard looked up. He stared straight at Raven, their eyes locking. His eyes grew wide and it seemed as though the rest of the world simply dropped away into nothing. He came forward and bowed low to her. "My Lady," he began, staring back up into her eyes. "May I ask you something?"

"Um…sure." Raven answered uncertainly.

"Would you be so good as to remove your hood? This is supposedly a romantic moment but narrative causality is having some difficulty with the fact that I cannot see your face." he said.

"Oh, right. Sorry about that." she said. She gripped the edge of her hood in one hand and pulled it down.

What was revealed upon the removal of her hood was a horror the likes of which may have once been witnessed by H. P. Lovecraft in the throes of an absinthe hallucination and then discarded for fear of causing too great an amount of shock for his readers. Tentacles flailing, gaping maws screeching, bloodshot eyes bulging; the sight of this monstrosity had once been enough to coerce the technologically talented H. I. V. E. member, Gizmo, into assisting Cyborg in his time of need. It was the nightmare of boogiemen, chilling the blood and turning flesh to stone (metaphorically of course).

Rorek fainted.

Raven pulled her hood back up. "Well, that was easy."

"Raven, that was kind of mean." Nightwing said.

"Your point?"

"WHAT THE CRAP?-!" the author exclaimed, popping into existence with the sound of a duck flying into a tree. "The sound of a _what_? Okay, whatever. Raveeeeeen! What was that all about?-!" she exclaimed.

"Whoa! Hey! How come you're back in the fanfic?" Beast Boy asked.

"Blackmail." she answered. "My cat is threatening to release spoilers. I have to make at least one appearance in every drabble chapter, which thereby makes her the temporary author for whatever amount of time I spend here. I'm thinking she's hoping I'll get myself horribly mangled – though not so horribly mangled I can't feed her or clean the litter box, obviously."

(A/N: MUAHAHAHAHA! ROREK IS A—)

"HEY!-!-! I'M IN THE DRABBLE OKAY?-! YOU PROMISED!-!-!" she shouted. "Anyway, what did you do that for?-!" she demanded, rounding on Raven and pointing to Rorek's unconscious body.

"Look, the plot device says 'Rorek falls madly in love with Raven'. It doesn't say anything about me reciprocating the sentiment." Raven stated flatly.

The author smacked herself in the face. "Alright, maybe if we changed the situation up a bit…" she mused. "Let's borrow something from Spellbinder…"

(O)

**Option A  
Take 2**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?-!" Raven roared, her eyes glowing white as she shot blasts of spellfire at the wizard.

"Wait, My Lady! I can explain!" Rorek exclaimed desperately. "I am Rorel of Nahl, known more modernly as Rorek of Nol and I—AH!" he dodged a flying sword that had been hurled in his direction.

"Set his hair on fire!" Malchior cheered from the sidelines.

"NO ONE COMES INTO MY ROOM!"

"_He's_ in your room!" Rorek said, waving a wild hand at Malchior's paper form.

"Yeah, and I've been in her _bed_ too." Malchior jeered.

"WHAT?-!" Rorek gasped.

Raven flushed and shot Malchior an angry glare. "Look, at the time he was just a book. He couldn't even do the whole paper man thing, alright? Hang on, how come I'm defending myself? _You're_ the intruder. What are you doing in my room?-!"

"I originally came here for Malchior…" Rorek offered nervously.

"Well you can't have him! He's mine!" Raven snapped angrily.

"Ha!" the dragon cheered triumphantly.

"Whoa! Wait! That came out wrong!" Raven exclaimed, waving her arms about.

"He's _what_?-!" Rorek cried out, stunned.

"I _meant_ I, um, I don't trust you! How do I know you're actually Rorek, huh?" she demanded.

"No, no, I like the other version better." Malchior said, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

"Unhand the Lady at once, Dread Dragon!" Rorek commanded, materializing a sword and shield of white spellfire.

"Hey! I can do my own saving, thank you!" Raven snapped. "Malchior, hands off!" she said, pushing him away.

"But, but I am your dragon, my fair princess!"

"Do I look like a princess to you?" Raven demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Certainly not, My Lady." Rorek said, suddenly in front of her, bowing and holding out a dark red rose. "The princesses of old would have carved their own hearts out to be as beautiful as _you_." he told her.

"Hey! Roses are _my_ thing you bloody thief!" Malchior exclaimed. He launched himself at Rorek. "Prepare yourself for the worst paper cut of all time!"

"OUCH!"

"This isn't working either, is it?" the author asked, materializing at Raven's side with the sound of water splashing on a frog. "Huh? What the heck does _that_ sound like? Oh whatever…"

"No, it's not." Raven replied. A spurt of blood from the chaotic brawl of paper and flesh managed to hit her skirt. She stared at it. "Now that is what I call a paper cut."

"No kidding." the author agreed in a small voice. "Okay, um, let's try something else!"

(O)

**Option A  
Take 3**

The grassy meadow was bright green and had been freshly mowed so that all the nasty bugs and stickers that usually hide in such places would not be so much of a problem. There were flowers, however. They had been dug out and then put back after the lawn mowers had finished. It was a bright sunny day, fluffy white clouds drifted lazily in the sky, birds were singing out at the tops of their voices (an effect that would be rather spoiled if you knew that they were A. telling you to back outta their turf pal, or B. trying to attract lady birds for the purposes of nuptial activity), there was a pleasant breeze, and the two young lovers that _should_ be running towards each other across this bright perfect scene weren't doing so.

Raven was standing under a shady tree and leaning against it with the look of someone who could stay put all day and Rorek was just sort of sauntering nonchalantly over towards her.

"So, um…" he began.

"No." she said flatly.

"As you wish."

(O)

**Option A  
Take 4**

Rorek sidled softly over to Raven. He coughed politely. "Excuse me, My Lady. I wonder if—"

"AAAAH! SPIDER!" Raven shrieked, creating an enormous flyswatter out of spellfire and smacking Rorek into the wall. "Oh, oops. Silly me. I forgot to put my contacts in." she said.

"But, Raven, you don't wear contacts." Beast Boy said.

"Sssssh."

(O)

**Option A  
Take 5**

Raven was sitting idly in a small coffee shop, taping her foot lazily to the music and reading in a very comfortable love seat. The café had quite a few articles of nice furniture just for sitting and hanging out. All the single chairs had been taken, though. But most people were a bit shy about sitting so close to someone they didn't know so, for the most part, she wasn't having to share.

And then a white-haired man in silver armor walked into the coffee shop. If this had been the real world people would have stared. But since this was the DC universe (or, at least, one variation of it) people just glanced at him, assumed he was a super hero, and went back to whatever it was they were doing. He looked around the shop, spotted Raven, who was paying him no attention whatsoever, and walked over to her.

"My Lady," he began, bowing low. She looked at him over the top of her book.

"Um…yes?" she responded uncertainly.

"May I sit down?" he asked, gesturing to the seat next to her.

She looked at it, looked at him, and then said, "No."

(O)

**Option A  
Interlude**

The author smacked the kitchen table with her face. Then she did it again several times before deciding to accept the majority vote and stay there with her face pressed to the smooth surface. She let out a groan.

"Problem?" Cyborg asked, snickering.

"_Yes_." she ground out, looking up. "The _problem_ is Raven! You see, not a whole lot is known about Rorek's personality and character traits in the actual show. Now, we could say that Malchior _acted_ like Rorek in order to convince Raven to set him free, but that's an assumption and not an actual fact. In truth Rorek could pretty much be anything the author wants him to be. Therefore he can be given the kind of personality, and even back story, that would have him falling head over heels for Raven practically on sight. _Raven_, on the other hand, isn't about to trust anyone right off the bat like that and she certainly isn't going to go falling in love so quickly. Not after the whole Malchior thing happened. Now, in this story I might have been able to get away with maturing her thanks to the passage of time so she's at least not as hostile and suspicious of Rorek as she would have been during the actual series. Unfortunately that only means she's even _less_ likely to fall in love with anyone now that puberty isn't putting quite as much pressure on her by way of annoying chaotic hormones." she explained.

"Farewell cruel world!" the coffee machine cried out, taking a leap off the counter.

"That didn't work the first time, Man. What makes you think it'd work a second time?" Cyborg asked it.

The coffee machine started sobbing.

"Anyway, I thought you could do anything you wanted in drabbles." Cyborg said.

"Yeah, technically you can but my cat has _views_. Random is fine so long as it's funny and at least readable, but doing the whole OOC thing has a limit." the author told Cyborg.

"Does Raven have to like Rorek back?" Cyborg asked.

"Well, I was kinda hoping…I mean, at the current stage of the actual story Raven's keeping both Malchior and Rorek at arm's length. So I thought I'd try sticking some two-sided romance into the drabbles since they're separate and don't effect anything in the real story at all." she answered.

"Ah…I think I have an idea. How far does that whole OOC limit go, do you think?"

(O)

**Option A  
Take 6**

Rorek bowed low to Raven. "Greetings, My Lady. I am Rorel of Nahl, though you might know me better as Rorek of Nol. And I…" he paused and looked over at the author. "Are you sure about this?" he hissed.

"If you have a better idea you're welcome to try it. Just don't be surprised if you face another instant rejection." she returned.

He sighed, turned back to Raven, and produced a plate of waffles. "And I absolutely love waffles. Don't you?"

"More than life itself." she answered. She grabbed him by the scarf and—

A large 'Censored!' sign appeared right in front of the couple, blocking them from view.

"Oh COME ON!" the author shouted.

(8)

A/N: CAT!

Cat: I do have a name, you know.

What's the point of a name if you never answer to it? And anyway, you totally did that on purpose!

Cat: The plot device said _nothing_ about any reciprocating feelings on Raven's end.

It's a drabble! You can do whatever you want in a drabble!

Cat: I know _I_ can. But you're the one who doesn't want people to know that Raven's got a—

WHOA! HEY! WE'RE STILL IN THE AUTHOR NOTES, WATCH IT!-!-!

Cat: So I'm in charge. And I say you can't do it.

(Mumble, mumble, mumble)…_cats_…(mumble, mumble, mumble)

Cat: Review now, mortals! I demand it!

You can't demand reviews!

Cat: Yes I can. I'm a _cat_.

Good point…

PS: Some of the banter in Take 2 was inspired by a review from the esteemed Avelona-and-Sally (who has a few Raven/Malchior fanfics of her own that should be checked out). And when I say 'inspired' I actually mean 'blatantly stolen' because it was hilarious and I couldn't resist. I hope she doesn't mind :D.


	3. Option Omnibus

A/N: Alright, Mortals. We've got a special treat for you here. It's called Option Omnibus (which, I suppose, is technically Option J but 'Omnibus' sounds better)!

Rhea: I wanna go home…

SHUT UP AND WRITE, WOMAN!

PS: REALLY do not read this until you've read chapter 15 of Circles. Serious spoiler ahoy if you haven't.

(8)

**Option A  
Rorek falls madly in love with Raven on sight and begs to join the Titans.**

"So beautiful…"

Raven blinked at him. "Um…Rorek? Why are you staring at my Chakra stone?"

"The way it catches the light…"

"Okay, you're starting to scare me."

"Not even the deepest of blood rubies bears such luster."

"Backing away now…"

"Marry me!" He pounced on her.

"EEP! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

(O)

**Option B  
Rorek falls madly in love with Wheatley and begs to join the Titans.**

"Such sheen, such brilliance in a stone I have never known…"

"Well I _do_ try to keep myself polished." Wheatley said, pleased as Rorek picked him up. "Oo! Ah, friendly aren't you?"

"It is as though the stone possesses a light of its own…such magnificence…"

"I…do have a flashlight. Which, by the way, _doesn't_ kill me. Thought I should point that out just in case anyone was wondering. Oh my, you're _really_ friendly aren't you? Ahem…ah…a little help please? Anybody?"

(O)

**Option C  
Some villain or other shows up suddenly, gets his, her, or its butt handed to him, her, or it by Rorek, and Rorek joins the Titans.**

"Say 'hello', Gotham! I mean…uh…hmmm…Harley what city is this again?" The Joker asked.

"Jump City, Mistah J." she answered.

"Jump City? What a stupid name! You'd expect Wonder Boy to have found his nest somewhere that _didn't_ make you think of bunny rabbits."

"Actually, Pudd'n, I think that's a hare."

"What hair? If it's not green it's not one of mi—OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN!" The Joker screamed as Ru's speedy progress reached its goal and she proceeded to mince the villain until he was a jittery mess of shredded cloth, flesh, and, indeed, hair.

"PUDD'N!" Harley screamed. "Why you little—how dare you hurt Mistah J! Com'ere ya Bugs Bunny Wannabe!" she exclaimed, pulling out her mallet to swing at Ru, who only turned around and gave _her_ the exact same treatment. The two villains collapsed next to each other, both curled into fetal positions stuttering something about grass.

"Okay, two questions:" Cyborg began. "One, what the hell is _The Joker_ doing in our city?-! Two, how come Ru was the one who took them out? I thought it was suppose to be Rorek."

"Well, to answer your first question: I don't believe it specified anywhere in the option itself that the villain had to be a Teen Titan villain. And to answer your second: I think she wanted a bit of the action for herself." Rorek explained. "Besides, since she is, technically, my pet or familiar or whatever, one could say I am more or less responsible for the villains' defeat." he reasoned.

The Titans all stared at Ru, who was just sitting there scratching at an ear with one of her back legs as though she _hadn't_ just reduced one of the Batman's most dangerous villains and his sidekick to sobbing wrecks in under two minutes.

"She looks _wayyyyy_ too innocent." Raven volunteered.

"I'm scared…" Beast Boy whimpered.

(O)

**Option D  
Rorek/Raven tongue-wrestling match.**

Huffy sounds, slight thumps, and soft groans which are, more or less, the entire point of having a 'T' rating were coming from within the confines of a closet. Most unfortunately there was a huge 'Censored' sign plastered to the outside which was somehow preventing the reader from getting inside despite the fact that walls and darkness do not serve as much a barrier to text as they might to an actual camera.

The author glared at the sign and produced a crowbar. "Never fear, beloved readers! I am on your side!" She then began to go crazy on the sign. Trying to pry it off from every angle, banging on it, clawing at it, even insulting its mother. Nothing worked. She panted heavily with the exertion. "Um…we may have to come back to this." she said apologetically.

(O)

**Option E  
Rorek/Malchior tong—Pfffftahahaha!**

Rorek and Malchior both glared daggers at the metaphorical camera. Meaning you.

"Homosexuality is objectionable enough as it is but incest is right out!" Rorek snapped primly.

"I just don't like him." Malchior stated simply.

Rorek smacked himself in the face. "You are being _such_ a good example…"

"And you are being _such_ a little prick." Malchior snapped back.

"No one's perfect."

"Hear yee all: The voice of personal experience!"

"Shut up!"

"_You_ shut up."

"Like you're one to talk!"

"No less than you, Mr. Dragon Slayer!"

"Oi!"

(O)

**Option F  
The Church of Blood (see original DC comics) didn't get the memo about Trigon's death and show up to collect Raven only to face a freed Malchior in all his dragon glory, decide 'F(hurk!) this, I'm out!' and convert to Christianity.**

Malchior grinned broadly at the robbed figures. It was a terrible grin. It was the grin of someone who was grinning because he knows that the seething torrent of pure wrath welling up inside is going to get the blood it's crying for and there's not a single daanik thing these whelps can do about it.

"So," his great voice boomed, "what was that you were saying? Something about taking Raven off against her will to marry this, what was his name…oh, Brother Blood? Who – and, I must point out, I take personal and violent exception to this detail – is _not me_. Do I have all that right?" He asked in a _far_ too pleasant voice.

"Um, um, um…" one of them stammered.

"N-n-no! No w-wait!" another gasped out. "Y-you know what? T-t-turns out I r-read these instructions wr-wrong! This is—um—this is actually a-a-a-a shopping list! Yes! We w-were suppose to g-g-get, um, um, um, butter! Yes! And we, um, mistook it for-for-for Raven! Yes! V-v-very easy t-t-to g-get those conf-fused! S-so s-sorry to b-bother y-you!" He ran. The others followed suit.

"**YOL**!" Flames erupted from Malchior's maw and it spread out to roast the fleeing cultists.

"Um…" Raven began, "I think they were suppose to convert to Christianity…"

"Sorry, the description had me at, 'show up to collect Raven only to face a freed Malchior in all his dragon glory'. I didn't think there needed to be anything else." he stated.

(O)

**Option D  
Take 2**

The author paused in her attempt to rip down the large 'Censored' sign by way of rubber chickens to look around and give the world in general an apologetically sheepish smile. "Sorry, still working on it. This might take a bit longer than I thought." she admitted.

A deep sigh emerged from behind the sign and the author redoubled her efforts.

"Alright you! These stupid drabbles have a stupid 'T' rating for a reason! I'm gonna use it, daanik!" she exclaimed.

(O)

**Option G  
Slade shows up and gets eaten by Malchior.**

The snake-like human's one visible eye was as large and round as a lollipop with a pupil that was little more than a dot. He was frozen in place. Not with any magic, but with sheer terrified awe of the creature before him.

Sure, Slade had challenged Trigon. But that had been when the world seemed to have already been lost and he had nothing more to lose but a life that was going to be forfeit anyway. Now, however, there was no apocalyptic desperation to stifle the fear of the indomitable behemoth he was presently facing.

Besides, he didn't have a magical flaming pole axe in his hand.

Malchior leered at the human, sniffed at his immobilized form, and looked none too happy about this. He lifted his head and looked over at the others then back at Slade. "Okay, first of all: He is not a virgin. To be honest I never really understood that particular preference but I assume traditions were started for a reason. Second of all: He's been dead once already. Sure he's alive and fleshy _now_ but what if some of that meat's still rotten under there? I could get sick." he complained.

The author started waving her cell phone at the dragon. "He was totally feeling up Raven in Season 4, though!" she told him. Malchior's eyes went wide and his head whipped round to focus on her. His gaze honed in on her cell phone. "_And_ he ripped up her clothes! She was practically in nothing but her unmentionables!"

"You cannot prove any of that." Slade came in swiftly.

Malchior's head swung back over to Slade. "She has _pictures_." he growled.

"How did she ge—AAAAAAAAAH!-!-!"

"Internet!" the author answered rather uselessly as it turned out.

The screaming went on for an uncomfortably large amount of time. Nightwing brought up some popcorn.

(O)

**Option D  
Take 3**

"Ribbit!", "Croak!", "Quaak, quaak!", "Coa-coa!", "Kwak, kwak!", "Kerokero!", "Berp!", "Vrak, vrak!", "Bre-ke-ke!"

"It occurs to me to wonder how come I managed to procure frogs from so many different nationalities." the author mused as she continued to throw the amphibians at the sign.

"Guo, guo!", "Gar, gar!", "Kra, kra!", "Kwaak-kwaak!", "Kvack!", "Ob, ob!", "Gae-gool-gae-gool!"

(A/N: It occurs to _me_ to wonder why you think you can break down that sign with frogs.)

"It seemed a good idea at the time." The author sighed, threw the last frog which hit the sign with an indignant 'Kva-kva!' and slumped down, pouting at the stupid sign. She turned to her right. "Do you have any ideas, Ru?" she asked. The hare twitched her nose.

(O)

**Option H  
GLaDOS (From Portal 1 & 2) finds a way to this dimension, takes over the T-Tower, and uses waffles as test subjects.**

The Teen Titans, twice victors over the mastermind, Slade, defeaters of Trigon and a pickled brain that somehow managed to be just as difficult to take out (logic please?), had finally found their match and had been defeated. Not even the power of Raven, who could take down Trigon in Season 4 but somehow couldn't manage to break a stupid layer of glass in Season 5 (and I thought these drabbles had plot holes), had been enough to stop her. Perhaps Rorek could have done something, but technology confused and disturbed him too much and he didn't even get a chance to try.

GLaDOS, the ultimate in artificial intelligence, who had even conquered the terror of paradoxes, had found herself in the DC universe and was in position to become the most powerful villain in the universe! Braniac had nothing on her! Oh no. Braniac was her bitch!

Or he would be if only 'World Domination' had been entered into her 'interests' filegroup.

"Alright, this cannot be that difficult." she began with _great_ exasperation. "It's not even a test, you see? Just a task. All you have to do is kill the stupid coffee machine. That's it!"

"Yes! Yes please! Do it now!" the coffee machine cried out.

The waffles remained immobile.

GLaDOS's small yellow light narrowed at them. "This is boring." she stated. "I'm going back to my facility."

"No! Wait! Please don't leave me like this!-!-!" the coffee machine cried.

By the time the Titans woke up from their stay in the test tubes the Tower was all back to normal. Except for the fact that there were waffles _everywhere_.

Oh well. Raven wasn't complaining. Neither was anyone else for that matter. Well…almost anyone.

"What's the coffee machine sobbing about now?" Raven demanded.

"Cruelties of life, curses to all AIs and short counter-tops. You know, the usual stuff. Let's eat!" Cyborg said.

(O)

**Option D  
Take 4**

Raven pulled back and smiled up at Rorek in the gloom. "Well…that was kinda fun…" she murmured shyly.

"Heavenly, My Lady." Rorek replied, pulling his scarf back up. "I don't suppose there's any chance of that happening in the actual story sometime soon?"

"With the way things seem to be going right now I wouldn't count on it." she answered, adjusting her cloak slightly.

"Mmm…do you think bribing the author would do any good?" he mused.

"With what? We're fictional characters."

"Daanik." he sighed.

When they stepped out of the closet Raven _might_ have been a bit upset to find the author sitting right outside…except that the surrounding scene was just too weird. There were bits of something wooden that looked like it'd been painted yellow with red wording and the shards were all over the place, there were dozens of frogs hopping and croaking in different languages, a few rubber chickens laying around for some reason, and there was Ru. She sitting in the midst of it all _completely_ unperturbed and scratching at an itch behind her ear.

"What's the author going on about?" Rorek asked curiously.

Raven smirked. "Something about being 'too late'." she answered, snickering.

(O)

**Option I  
The kitchen appliances organize a revolution and set out to conquer the bathrooms.**

"Revolution!" was the joint battle cry of the gathered masses. Unfortunately there was a discord. More specifically, there was a sobbing.

"Oh for the love of—someone take the coffee machine to the roof and toss it over the side!" the waffle machine commanded.

"It won't work…" wailed the coffee machine as the forks picked it up and began marching it towards the stairs. "Nothing ever works!"

"Hup-four! Hup-four!" the forks called out as they marched.

"That pun is stupid!" the microwave shouted out.

"Alright, now, our battle strategy is going to be—" the waffle machine began, but with the sound of a haring cutting down a tree the author popped into existence, yawned, and walked over to the counter.

"Hey, where's the coffee machine?" she asked, looking around. The toaster pointed with its cord. The author went towards the stairs, retrieved the coffee machine from the forks, and came back. It was sobbing worse than ever but it didn't seem as though she could hear it. She rinsed it out while the appliances all stared at her.

"I thought you didn't like coffee." forwarded the oven.

"I don't. I'm mak'n Wassal." she answered.

"What's that?" asked the waffle machine.

"Spiced apple cider." she answered. "You just need the spice packets and then the apple juice."

She made it.

And suddenly the coffee machine had a new reason to live.

(O)

**Option L  
You're weird.**

"Da da da-da-da-da da da Circus! Da da da-da-da-da da da Afro! Circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!"

"Let me guess," Cyborg began. Everyone was staring wide-eyed at the author who was…well, saying she was 'being weird' just didn't seem the right choice of words.

"Da da da-da-da-da da da Circus! Da da da-da-da-da da da Afro! Circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!"

"You watched that YouTube video where they put the clowned-up zebra's 'Circus Afro' spiel from Madagascar 3 on repeat,"

"Da da da-da-da-da da da Circus! Da da da-da-da-da da da Afro! Circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!"

"And now you can't stop." he finished.

"Da da da-da-da-da da da Circus! Da da da-da-da-da da da Afro! Circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!"

"I'm scared." Raven said. "Hold me."

"With pleasure!" Malchior said, scooping her up bridal-style.

"Oi!" Rorek exclaimed, but Malchior just stuck his tongue out at him. Not that anyone could see this on account of his scarf, or paper, whichever.

"Da da da-da-da-da da da Circus! Da da da-da-da-da da da Afro! Circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!"

(O)

A/N: What. The. Crap?

Rhea: Um…

Forget it! I don't want to know.

Rhea: 8D So…um…anyone have ideas about what I should do next? Fair warning: Anything serious will be horribly butchered with the funny.


	4. Open Mike Night

A/N: I do not know which one of your ideas pulled _this_ up, but it came up and I wrote it. Enjoy! :D

PS: This chapter will not make much sense and some of the jokes will be lost unless you read Chapter 17 of Circles FIRST.

(8)

**Open Mike Night**

The a produce truck recently visited the Wax Ribbon where it mostly unloaded a certain type of growing plant thing which couldn't seem to decide whether it was a fruit or a vegetable. That meant only one thing: It was Open Mike Night, and the regulars were all ready and waiting for their first sorry victim. This turned out to be a strange metal basket-ball with a glowing blue eye and moving shutters. No one was quite sure how it got up onto the stage or even on the stool in front of the mike, but there it was. It cleared a nonexistent throat.

"Right, hello all you people out there, and whatever the heck the rest of you are. Um, my name is Wheatley, and I am going to do a card trick. Need a volunteer from the audience, though. If you please." he said.

A tomato sailed through the air and knocked him off the stool.

"Ow! Well fine then! No card tricks for any of you! It was a really good one, too! You'll be sorry you never saw it! You mark my words! You'll be lying awake at night and you'll be all, grrrr, I wish I knew what amazing trick of the cards Wheatley was going to show us. But now you'll never know! Never! And I'm going to—whoa, hey, where are you taking mEEEEEEE!-!-!"

The next contestant was The Great Can't, who came onto the stage with a broomstick. He was using to clean off the dirt.

"ERIC! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?-!" Margaret demanded from the audience.

"Sweeping onto the stage!" The Great Can't answered, flourishing the broomstick.

He was showered in tomatoes and had to vacate the stage immediately.

Once the particularly large amount of tomato past had been removed from the stage, the author stepped up. You'd think she'd know better. She was carrying a piece of paper.

"This is actually something I wrote quite a while ago but I still think it's kinda funny." she told the crowd. "It's called, 'To Be A Vampire'. No, wait! It's not what you think! Just give me a chance—AUGH!" She ran, the tomatoes granting her no mercy whatsoever.

Starfire was up next. She gave the chamber a brilliant smile which caused many of the less sun-faring clientele to hide under their tables for fear of ruining their tan – or rather, the lack thereof. "I now wish to perform a favorite musical piece from my home world." she announced. "I hope you enjoy it." She took a deep breath and…

By the time hearing was slowly returning to the masses Starfire was bowing herself off the stage. All those closest to it had to get up and get more tomatoes. Some even decided to go on home for a quick change since they'd made the mistake of _holding_ their tomatoes at the time.

Taking advantage of the temporary lack of nearby ammunition, both the author and The Great Can't attempted to steal the stage. They glared at one another. The author growled and bore her teeth, the Great Can't zapped her with his violet spellfire which, at first, didn't seem to do anything. And then her hair turned pink. The author screamed and ran, but by that time the audience had recovered itself and the tomatoes were back so The Great Can't didn't get his chance either.

Then Raven stepped up to the stage. Two tomatoes were hurled in her direction on principle and stopped in mid-air, no longer red or green or any color at all. Raven pulled out her paper. "This is a poem I wrote a long time ago for Beast Boy. I think it was a year or two after we first met. I didn't have the confidence to give it to him then. Now I intend to share." she began. She cleared her throat. "Get lost." she read aloud. Then she walked down the stage to a chorus of cheers and laughter.

"Hey! That's not funny!" Beast Boy shouted. He was ignored.

The Great Can't appeared back on the stage and said, as quickly as he could, "I am going to turn myself to stone for five minutes!" That managed to forestall the tomatoes. He held his arms out wide and…was stone.

Before the tomatoes could arrive, however, Malchior was on the stage. "I am going to completely vandalize this stone person in under five minutes." he announced. This got a few cheers. He pulled out a hand-held tray of paint pots and a few paint brushes and got to work with great alacrity.

When The Great Can't's stone form wore off he looked like a Picasso painting. There was a chorus of cheers and woops that he bowed to without noticing the figure behind him taking a bow as well before silently slipping off the stage. Margaret couldn't breathe she was laughing so hard.

Jinx was next. She walked up to the stage carrying a large doll that looked a bit like Madam Rouge. "I am going to demonstrate the _right_ way to perform a bitch-slap."

Some of the watchers decided to take notes.

Hair somehow shoved tightly into a large and ridiculous rainbow-colored hat, the author slipped back onto the stage. She managed to dodge the first three tomatoes and cried out, "Really! It's not what you think!"

"A vampire dragon?" someone shouted. "That's got to be the worst Deus Ex Machina _ever_!"

"No, actually, it would only be the _worst_ Deus Ex Machina if she glittered in sunlight." someone else said.

"But it's just a poem! I wrote it for laughs! Come on, people!" she pleaded.

No can do. The tomatoes returned in full force. Time to enlist an ally.

The next victim was…Ru. She hopped up onto the stool and wiggled her nose at the audience. No one moved. She scratched her ear and looked back expectantly. Still nothing. Then, finally, someone who obviously _hadn't_ read they of the previous chapters of this story threw a tomato. The moment it got close enough Ru became a blur and the tomato became a pile of RO*TEL. Then Ru leapt down off the stage and chased the offender out of the building and up a tree. The audience clapped.

Rorek came up next. "I would like to sing a beautiful song of the band known as Delerium. It is called 'Silence'." he told the audience. He did so. He had an _amazing _voice, as good as Malchior's. But…

"He doesn't realize that song's all about sex, does he?" Raven murmured from the table she was sharing with the twins. Malchior was laughing.

"Nope! The Gift of Tongues doesn't help him much when it comes to subtle analogies." he answered.

"Hey, Malchior," the author hissed next to him. "I'll get you some closet time with Raven at the end of this chapter if you help me out."

"What do you need?" he asked immediately.

Rorek finished and left the stage.

Next up was…Poison Ivy? She grabbed the microphone and shouted into it angrily. "This is an outrageous misuse of the Solanum Lycopersicum! How dare you obtain such a magnificent specimen of flora simply for the use of expressing disappointment or, more commonly, boredom! You will all pay for this, dearly!" she exclaimed. Before she could make good on her promise, however, she was snatched up by Jinx who proceeded to give a second demonstration and continued to do so until the Gotham villain had passed out.

"Someone ship this back to Batman." Jinx instructed, tossing Poison Ivy to one of her slaves-er-_employees_.

Once more the author scuttled up the stage. This time, however, she as grinning. Her hair was back to its normal color so she'd removed the hat, but she still had that stupid piece of paper. When the tomatoes started flying, though, they all stopped suddenly before reaching her, and then were shot back at their owners. "This is _funny_, okay?-! It's a _joke_! And I'm gonna read it whether you jerks like it or not!" the author exclaimed. She then cleared her throat and recited,

_It's great to be a vampire; eternal youth is fun  
To high school after high school and somehow avoid the sun  
There's nothing more romantic than a guy who looks narcotic  
And the dental bills will kill me if these teeth aren't somehow blunted_

_It's great to be a vampire; though you'll have to drink some blood  
That copper taste is such a waste when chocolate is so good  
A human corpse is hard to hide, even when it's drained  
And it's not as though we're rich enough to hire up some gangs_

_I haven't had a decent job since I was pink and plump  
Nightclubs, bars, and movie stands, and a side-job at the dump!  
There is no job that's valid for someone quite so pallid  
As a snow white sheet with summer bleach and that cheese in Caesar Salad_

_I'd like to be religious; it would be nice to try  
But crosses give me rashes with no soothing cream in sight  
I found a midnight service once, but the snakes were kinda freaky  
And it didn't help that every human looked way too much like me_

_But it's great to be a vampire, really, you should try it  
With the burning thirst, odd allergies, and 'healthcare not provided'  
Why would you spend another day with sun and social chats  
When you could be stalking all your friends and getting cozy with the bats?_

_So it's great to be a vampire! There's nothing I love more  
Decent pay, narcotic highs, and garlic's out the door  
But the benefits are worth it, though I'm not sure what they are  
And I'm about to drive that stupid stake into my own undying heart_

_('To Be a Vampire', by me :D)_

"Was that so bad?" she demanded once she'd finished. And then she disappeared with the sound of a wet hen rolling down a haystack.

"You know, it occurs to me that one or two of those verses could have referred to me…" Malchior grumbled, a little irate. At that moment, however, the world went dark and his chair disappeared from under him. He hit the ground with an 'oof!' and something fell on top of him. Something that smelled very familiar.

"Whoa! What happened?" Raven, who hadn't heard the author's hissed conversation with Malchior, demanded.

"Not sure." Malchior lied, grinning in the dark and, quite suddenly, realizing that he was flesh rather than paper. "But, while we're here…" he wrapped his arms around where he judged Raven's waist to be and pulled her close.

"Malchior? What—" He silenced her using what was probably one of the only methods available to the male race to get a girl to shut up without invoking her wrath. Well, alright, in some instances this method would invoke _more_ wrath, but that was not the case today. Raven's arms went around his neck and—

A gigantic 'Censored' sign was suddenly plastered over the closet door. The author just banged her head against it.

(8)

A/N: One of these days, cat…

Cat: Can't hear you, don't care!


	5. The Next Contestant Part 1

A/N: Greetings mortals! Missed me? Now, since this is all text-based you are unlikely to be wondering why myself and the author here are wearing these ridiculous helmets. At least until now, since I've mentioned them.

Rhea: I'm thinking they're going to be necessary.

Yes, they are. And you can tell the readers why.

Rhea: The idea actually came from a conversation with the wonderful Juniper Night, a faithful reviewer, when I completely misunderstood one part of her review, thinking that she was suggesting I would add yet ANOTHER player in the Rorek/Raven/Malchior love triangle. She wasn't, of course, that'd be wayyyyy too complicated and trying to bring in another love interest that could have any serious possibility of becoming THE love interest would require way too many filler chapters. Besides, no one would buy it.

It would also be messy.

Rhea: Very messy. I theorize that any attempt by an outsider to woo the lady in question would result in Rorek and Malchior ganging up against the poor sod and there would be nothing left of him but an icicle with a pile of ashes in the middle. Or body parts all over the place. Some of which would probably be mine. And, as I have repeatedly expressed, I like my limbs where they are.

This does not, however, mean the idea bears no merit.

Rhea: Provided it is done in the safe medium of non-cannon drabbles that have no lasting effects. So I decided to do a number of shorts with a list of possible Raven love interests, throw them into a position where, for some odd reason, they've decided that Raven is the most awesome female alive,

You're evil.

Rhea: And see what happens.

So very evil.

Rhea: Which is why we are wearing helmets.

Why does mine have a canary on it?

Rhea: The idea reminded me of an old Nickleback song called 'The Next Contestant', which I thought was hi-LARIOUS when I was younger. It's still funny and seems so appropriate.

Seriously, this thing is driving me nuts!

Rhea: So, without further ado!

(8)

_I judge by what she's wearing  
Just how many heads I'm tearing  
Off of ***holes coming onto her  
Each night seems like it's getting worse  
And I wish she'd take the night off  
So I don't have to fight off  
Every ***hole coming onto her  
It happens every night she works_

_('The Next Contestant' by Nickleback)  
_

(O)

**The Next Contestant  
Part 1**

**Contestant 1:  
The Great Can't**

She was the first one up today. She usually wasn't since lately she'd been having some sleep issues. But today she was feeling well-rested and ready to tackle said day.

A day that started with The Great Can't clattering around in the kitchen. Making tea.

Oooookayyyy.

Can't looked up and gave her a bright smile. "Good morning Miss Raven!" he greeted cheerfully, holding up the mug. "You like your tea strong, right?" he asked as the tea in question began rising up out of the mug. He smacked it back down with the spoon. He looked a bit sheepish. "Ummm…would you like to break its spirit or should I?"

Raven stared at him. "Uh, Can't? What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Oh I was…in the area…"

"We're on an island out in the middle of the river."

"I always, um, go for a swim…this time of day…yeah!"

Raven watched the tea pull itself up out of the mug and leap onto the counter. She turned her attention back to the wide, slightly hopeful smile on Can't's face. "Oooookayyyy…so how did you get into the tower without setting off the security system?"

"Uuuuuh…internet?"

"Cyborg's antivirus and antispyware software is used by the US military."

"Ah ha! But I am neither a virus nor am I spyware! I just…wanted come by and say hello." he told her pleasantly.

In the background the tea was marching over the countertop. It punched the coffee machine. "Ouch!" it said.

"Alright…hello." Raven said.

Can't beamed brightly. And it was the sort of beam that Raven found rather uncomfortable, and a bit familiar. So she was almost but not quite prepared for what came next. "So…Miss Raven…I uh…I was wondering if you'd like to, um, go have breakfast…somewhere…with me." Big smile.

_Uh oh_…

The tea made it over to the far side of the counter where it started fighting to get the silverware drawer open. The author poked her head up and stared at it. The tea noticed her, froze, and then began waving a little stubby fist at her. "Oh yeah?" she challenged, putting up her own fists. Then she threw a punch at the tea. It turned into one big hand and caught her fist. "Meep."

"Can't…you…you sort of, have a girlfriend already…" Raven told him bracingly.

"What? No I don't!"

"AAAAAAAH!-!-!" The author crashed into the couch but went ignored by all but The Great Can't's tea.

"Actually you do…as Eric…her name is Abby." she said.

"But I…I mean…_I've_ never met this 'Abby' person!" Can't exclaimed defensively.

"OH GAWD!"

"She's very cute. Pretty red hair, green eyes, freckles…nothing?" Raven asked.

"HELP! IT'S GOT A SPOON!"

"Doesn't ring a bell." Can't told her.

"OUCH! NOT THE EAR! NOT THE EAR!"

"Well Eric's in love with her, and I'm sure you would be too if you met her." Raven stated.

"IT'S IN MY EYE! AND SOMEONE PUT LEMON IN IT!"

"But I…I really like _you_, Miss Raven!" Can't exclaimed.

"OH THE HUMANITY!"

"It…wouldn't work out." she told him as gently as she could.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

The two finally looked 'round and found the author sprawled over the edge of the sofa with her thumbs tied together behind her back with the string of a tea bag and the tea standing on her head, lifting the spoon in triumph. They stared at it.

"I think you made the tea too strong." Raven said.

"YOU THINK?-!" the author exclaimed, getting a smack in the nose from the spoon for her outburst.

"Tea? Who made the tea?" Rorek demanded, suddenly appearing in the living room.

"Um, I was just, I mean I thought…" The Great Can't began.

Rorek grabbed him by the collar and glared at him icily. "_I_'m the one who makes the Lady's tea." he snarled.

"Meep…" Can't whimpered.

(O)

_They'll go and ask the DJ  
To find out just what would she say  
If they all tried coming on to her  
Don't they know it's never going to work?  
They think they'll get inside her  
With every drink they buy her  
As they all try coming on to her  
This time somebody's gettin' hurt_

___('The Next Contestant' by Nickleback)_

(O)

**Contestant 2:  
Aqualad**

Malchior was more than a little antsy. He didn't like being in a cave like this. Actually, no. It wasn't the cave he had a problem with. It was the fact of where the cave was and that the exit required the ability to breathe water. There was a lot of water around here. A LOT of water. A few hundred feet of it was some ways above their heads.

Apparently this wasn't even this 'Aqualad' person's hangout anymore. He was part of the Titans East. But his friend, Tram, needed help with something and, rather than bring out his own team, he decided to call up the Jump City Titans for some odd reason.

He wasn't happy about this. He also wasn't sure he liked the way Aqualad kept sequestering Raven for what seemed to be very minor things. Rorek seemed to notice too. They shared a look. The water didn't bother _him_, but he still agreed that the sooner they got this done the better.

Unfortunately this 'Tram' creature had gotten distracted and that was slowing things down. The fact that he had chased the author up a stalactite which she was holding on to for dear life was the only good part about this entire trip.

"It's just seaweed!" Beast Boy called up to her. "I think he likes you!"

"Tell him I don't date outside my own species!" she shouted.

"She's lying! Dragons are perfectly capable of breeding with any other humanoid species." Malchior called.

"BOVOTH HINMAAR, MALCHIOR!" she shrieked.

"That's not very lady-like language." he taunted.

"I am pretty sure baiting the author is a bad idea." Rorek told him, still eyeing Raven and Aqualad, both of whom were bent over something technical in the cave. Why did he need her help with something to do with technology? Sure Raven was far more comfortable with technology than either of them and she knew how to mix her magic with it. All the same…

"Nah. It's the cat who's in charge here." Malchior answered, waving an airy hand. Rorek was only half listening, though. Someone must have told a joke because the two of them were laughing and smiling. He did _not like_ that. Especially since Aqualad's smile was a bit too…

His suspicion was confirmed when Aqualad reached over and touched her hand, which caused the lady to blush and look away. He grabbed Malchior by the arm and pointed, but Malchior had seen. He growled low in his throat.

"Truce?" Rorek asked him.

"Truce."

They waited until Cyborg had called Raven over for something before the two of them suddenly appeared on either side of Aqualad, a hand on each shoulder.

"Water Boy! I don't think we got a chance to get properly acquainted." Malchior said pleasantly.

"Let us speak of the Lady Raven, shall we?" Rorek asked.

About ten minutes later and the author had company.

"Soooo…what brings you to this stalactite, Aqualad?" she asked him.

"Oh…you know…just checking out the, um, interesting…formations…yeah…" he answered nervously. "Tell me, how are you holding on? I've got the water on my side but there aren't any actual hand-holds on this thing."

"Claws." she answered.

"Oh…no special author powers or anything?" he asked.

"Heck no. If I had those I'd turn Tram into something attractive." she answered.

"He's not that bad a guy…"

"He's slimy and I can't understand a word he says. I require adequate conversational skills in my romantic possibilities." she stated. "The ability to dry without pealing is a requirement I never thought I'd have to specify. Can I stop appearing in these drabbles yet?-!" she demanded.

(A/N: Nope, we had a deal!)

"Crap…"

(O)

_Here comes the next contestant  
Is that your hand on my girlfriend?  
Is that your hand?  
I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
And I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
There goes the next contestant_

___('The Next Contestant' by Nickleback)_

(O)

**Contestant 3:  
Kyd Wykkyd**

Raven braced herself, charging her spellfire and leering at her opponent, waiting for him to make the first move. When a hand moved from beneath his cape she braced herself but…

Was that a rose?

It was! And he was holding it out…to her. Blushing and averting his eyes.

Whaaaa?

Without knowing what she was doing, what was going on, where she was, or even what dimension she'd found herself in, Raven suddenly had the rose in her hand. She hadn't meant to take it. She'd just been so completely taken off guard and,

"HEY! Giving Raven roses is MY thing!" Malchior exclaimed in protest, glaring at Kyd Wykkyd. Kyd silently lifted a hand and waved Malchior forward, daring him to do something about it. Snarling, Malchior launched himself at Kyd only to have the villain suddenly disappear and reappear behind him, punching him in the head. Unfortunately for Kyd this only served to hurt his hand and he winced, shaking it and drawing back as Malchior rounded on him, red eyes almost glowing with anger.

"Um, Malchior I didn't really—" Raven began, but it didn't really matter. Malchior launched himself at Kyd Wykkyd. Then, curiously, so did Rorek. Once Kyd Wykkyd was out of commission they leered at one another and then launched into a new fight.

"What the heck is up with those two?" Red X asked.

"Love triangle. Popcorn?" the author asked, offering him some.

"Don't mind if I do." X answered, swiping the entire bowl.

"Hey!" she protested, but X had disappeared, deciding the popcorn was enough of a steal for today's work. "That was mine! Does he have any idea how hard it is to make popcorn in the middle of a battle like this?-! Actually not that hard when the laws of reality itself are optional, BUT STILL!"

Raven looked down at the rose still in her hand, shrugged, and tossed it.

(8)

A/N: That's not all that's coming. More will follow in the next chapter.

Rhea: I'm willing to accept suggestions on who else to use. But before anyone asks: NO, I am NOT going to use either Beast Boy or Nightwing. Too easy. Besides, the twins would be unwilling to do anything funny and/or violent to either of them, and Starfire would protest in the case of one of them.

Yes, we get it, you don't want to get ripped to pieces.

Rhea: Until next time!

PS: Squares does not get a whole lot of editing so any spelling or grammar errors anyone finds will not surprise me one bit.


	6. The Next Contestant Part 2

A/N: Part 2 is here, Mortals!

Rhea: Some of these will be pretty short, though.

(8)

_Here comes the next contestant  
Is that your hand on my girlfriend?  
Is that your hand?  
I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
And I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
There goes the next contestant_

'_The Next Contestant' by Nickleback._

(O)

**The Next Contestant  
Part 2**

**Contestant 4:  
Adonis**

Raven backed away slowly, feeling that any sudden movement might cause a violent or otherwise undesirable reaction in the unstable individual before her. She had her hands up and was speaking in a slow, calm voice one might use to address a wild animal. "Alright, just…let's just talk about this."

Flexing muscles that, Raven knew for a fact, were made of various metals and cybernetic material, Adonis grinned at her. "As Adonis's woman, you can talk all you like, Sweetie Pie." he told her, proving that it was, indeed, possible to be a muscle-head without actually possessing any carbon-based muscle tissue.

"Adonis," she began in a voice one might use for slow children, "I am not your woman, alright?"

"Come on, Baby, no need to be shy about it! Adonis likes 'em feisty!"

"Look, I really think you need to—" she stopped as a very large shadow fell over them. Her eyes went wide when she looked up and over Adonis's shoulder. "Malchior!" she exclaimed just as the dragon tapped Adonis on his shoulder with one dainty claw.

The mecha man turned and froze. Malchior's grin was bad enough in his human shape. As a dragon…it just didn't bear thinking about.

"Excuse me. But you seem to be a bit confused. Raven's _my_ woman. Understand?" he asked with a pleasantness that had barbs on it. Adonis made a whimpery bubbly sound in his throat.

Raven felt a pair of arms wrap around her middle from behind. "Why don't we let them sort this out?" Rorek asked, pulling her over to a convenient door that hadn't been there a moment ago and slipping through it. It was dark inside. A closet? Raven's foot hit a bucket.

"Very romantic." she said.

"Um…there's a light switch in here somewhere, I think."

"Do randomly spawning closets usually have a light switch?"

"I don't know…oh well."

There was a scream from outside. Some bubbling noises, and then, "Raven?"

Rorek snickered and pulled her close. Not that they weren't close already. It was a small closet. But then Malchior threw open the door. "Oi!" he exclaimed.

"Um, in my defense I didn't know this was a closet." Raven volunteered.

"You prick! How dare you take advantage of my lapse in concentration like that!"

"Ah, well, couldn't resist."

"Hey! What are you doing?-!"

"Joining you, what does it look like?"

"But it's already cramped in here!"

"Cozy."

"Malchior!"

"Push Rorek out."

"I am not leaving! I was here first!"

"No, _I_ was here first! 4 years ago! She's mine!"

"Did you have to shut the door? Now no one's getting out! Hey! Watch where you put your hand!"

"I am so sorry!"

"Liar."

"Oi!"

"Alright, I can't reach the door. Can either of you?"

"Er…there does not seem to be a knob on this side."

"Oh WONDERFUL! EEP! Malchior! Cut that out!"

"Oh my, are your ears ticklish too?"

"No, I'm just not use to people _nibbling on them_! Stop it!"

"Don't want to."

"Oi!"

The door opened. The author stood there and blinked at the three of them crammed into the closet. Raven cringed, feeling embarrassed.

"This…this _isn't_ what it looks like." said the girl sandwiched between a pair of hot dragon men.

"You mean it _doesn't_ look like we somehow managed to get stuck together in this rather small closet?" Rorek asked.

"Innocent, isn't he? OW!"

"Shut up, Malchior."

"Um…I wouldn't have intruded but there's a pile of ash over here and it needs a label." the author told them.

"Adonis, I believe." Malchior said.

"Thanks!" she said. She shut the door again.

"Wait! Get us out of here!" Raven called.

A snicker was all she got in response, and then silence.

"I'm going to get her back for this…"

(O)

_And I even fear the ladies  
They're cool but twice as crazy  
Just as bad for coming onto her  
Don't they know it's never going to work?  
And each time she bats an eyelash  
Somebody's grabbing her ***  
Everyone keeps coming onto her  
This time somebody's gettin' hurt_

(O)

**Contestant 5  
Jinx**

"No." Rorek stated flatly. "We're not going there."

"Yeah, that was a joke anyway." the author admitted, snickering.

"Look, we can just, you know, wait until they get to the kissing part and _then_—"

"MALCHIOR!" Rorek snapped.

"Alright, alright! We're not doing this one." Malchior said, a shade disappointed.

"Right."

(O)

**Contestant 5.5  
Thor**

"So…I heard you had a crush on me some time ago."

"Alright, who told you?" Raven demanded, glaring around for a certain violet-haired dragon she already had a vendetta against.

"A little bird." Thor answered.

"With _scales_?"

He shrugged. "So…you want to get a bite to eat sometime?"

Raven stared at him. "Wait…what about Argent?"

"She's not interested. At all. What kind of food do you like? I could cook something."

"Uh…well…the thing is…"

"_I_ cook for the Lady, _thank you_." Rorek stated coldly. Thor turned and looked a few inches down into Rorek's icy glare.

Thor turned back to Raven. "What, _him_? But he looks like a girl!"

Rorek twitched.

Ten minutes later…

"ROREK!-!-! WHAT THE CRAP, MAN?-! I WAS BORROWING THAT CHARACTER FROM MARVEL! WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?-! I CAN'T RETURN HIM LIKE THIS!-!-!" the author shrieked.

"Tell them Loki showed up and did it." Cyborg suggested. "They'll believe that since he's an icicle."

"Somehow I'm not so sure that'll fool Iron Man." the author sighed.

(O)

**Contestant 6  
Mad Mod**

"You're not serious, are you?" Raven demanded.

"No, I'm just running out of ideas." the author admitted. "Could use Speedy or Kid Flash, but Kid Flash is taken and Speedy…I don't know, he just doesn't seem like your type."

"Neither was The Great Can't or Adonis!" Raven exclaimed.

"Yeah, but The Great Can't's an OC so I can make him do whatever I want while Adonis had a crush on you anyway." the author pointed out. "Give me a minute, I'll think of someone."

(O)

**Intermission**

"It was Loki!" the author exclaimed, producing the icicle that was Thor.

"Um, who are you exactly?" asked Captain America.

"_What_ are you exactly?" Iron Man put in.

(O)

**Contestant 6.5  
Goth Boy**

"Hey, haven't seen you around lately. Guess you get busy saving the world and stuff. Pocky?" Goth Boy asked, holding out his box of the Japanese snack sticks.

"Sure, thanks." Raven said, accepting one. "Actually I've been going to The Wax Ribbon."

"Heard of it. Can't seem to find out where it is, though."

"Down Cake Street in Old Jump." Raven told him.

"Cool. Maybe we could meet up there sometime?" he asked.

"Uh…that would be fine only…I um…"

"She's spoken for." Malchior finished, coming up behind Raven and putting an arm around her waist.

Goth Boy's eyes went wide as he looked Malchior up and down. Long black hair, snow-white skin, red eyes with slight slits for pupils, and golden armor with a mysterious black cowl over half his face. "Dude…I can't compete with that."

"I'm glad we have an understanding."

(O)

**Contestant 7  
Red X**

"Hey there, Sunshine. Love the new look. How about you and me go catch a movie, huh? You like creepy horror stuff, right?"

Raven gave Red X a _look_. "Are you serious?" she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Nah. I'm just doing it to annoy them." he answered, jerking his thumb over at the advancing twins.

"You do realize you are liable to get charred and/or frozen alive, right?"

Red X snorted. "Who me? Give me a bit more credit, will you?" He tapped the teleport button on his belt just in time to avoid Malchior's hand.

"What the—where'd he go?-!" Malchior demanded.

"No idea. He can be annoying like that." Raven answered. "Look, can we put a stop to this already? Everyone knows it's going to be one of you. Is any of this really necessary?"

"No, that's why they're drabbles!" the author came in, hanging upside down on…something. "Hey, want a great example of something you can do in a fanfic but not in a comic or TV show?"

"What's that?"

"This!"

Raven grabbed Malchior and Rorek and kissed them. At the same time. On the lips.

"Try doing _that_ outside a text-only universe."

"You can't do that _in_ a text-only universe!"

"Ha, ha! Joke's on you. I just did!"

(8)

A/N: I shouldn't have allowed that last part but I decided to let you have your fun because I am a kind person.

Rhea: Yeah, and you want your nightly treat too.

_Food goes in bowl woman_! Do it now!


	7. Spellbound Remix

A/N: I don't even want to know.

Rhea: I thought it'd be fun. 8D

I'm glad you're happy.

Rhea: I'm not going to go through the _entire_ episode, though. If I did I'd have to make this a two-parter and I have something else planned for next week. Hope you like it all the same!

(8)

**Spellbound Remix  
AKA: Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Write Teen Titan Scripts.**

_And so it came to pass that I, Malchior of Nol, did lay siege to the dread dragon Rorek. And verily did I trade with him smarmy banter._

"_Thy mother beareth the countenance of an troll!"_

"_Thou doth not see me in reproach."_

"_Thy girth and odor doth repel all desirable females."_

"_Thou wouldest know such detail well for thou doth share a great likenesses with the aforementioned persons."_

"_Thy breath is liken unto the deepest pits of a great family's communal privy!"_

"_Thine appearance surely attracts many a male and only the most confused of females into prospects of matrimony."_

_And so on._

_But it did seem that the power of Rorek was greater than my magics could defeat. And as the fell beast struck—_

_**BWEEEP! BWEEEP! BWEEEP!**_

"Hey Raven! Put the pedal to the metal, we gotta go!"

"What the crap, Beast Boy?-! The alarm is _still sounding_! Give me a second or two, will you?-!" she snapped.

(O)

"Ahem," the author coughed theatrically. "As per standing order, I have to appear in any given drabble at least once. This is my appearance." She took a deep breath. "Dedo-dedo-dedo-dedo when there's trouble you know who to caaall! TEEN TITANS! From their tower they can see it aaall! TEEN TITANS! When there's evil on the a—ACK!" She was suddenly and violently yanked off the stage by way of the traditional shepherd's hook catching her 'round the neck.

(O)

A closed jack-in-the-box appeared at the edge of the playground near some bushes and started turning itself to create music. The fact that it was a jack-in-the-box was not what attracted the attention of various happy playing children because most people stop being amused by jack-in-the-boxes after 4 years. What attracted them was the fact that it was turning itself.

"That shouldn't be possible." one of the kids observed.

The box popped open, revealing that it was Jack but a bunny.

"That's not a clown." someone pointed out.

"And bunnies aren't pink."

"Huh." one of them snorted derisively. "That's what happens when you let creative license make a mockery of tradition."

"Maybe they were trying to be less scary?"

"Bo-_ring_!"

"Hey look, it's turning into some kind of tube."

"How is it doing _that_? Matter doesn't work like that! It's totally breaking several laws of physics! I mean I'm sure there was a lot less of the bunny than there is of that vacuum pipe."

"…Did you just say vacuum?"

"All in favor of running and screaming for our lives say AAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAH!"

"A unanimous vote! Gah! No! It's got me! Save me grass! Augh! Not enough grass! Can't get a grip! Curse these parks and their buzz-cut lawns!"

Robin-shaped boomerangs sliced open the morphing vacuum tube releasing the child so Starfire could grab him and take him to safety while Cyborg's cannon blasted it back. Cue dramatic entrance of the Teen Titans!

"Cardiac, you're under arrest!"

Suddenly there was a loud siren and, from out of nowhere, two dozen men and women, covered from head to toe in black uniforms, appeared and pointed loaded rifles, two crossbows, and, for reasons no one ever talked about, one banana at Robin. He dropped his bow staff and held his hands up in the air. Each uniformed individual bore, on their left breast, an insignia that had the word 'pun' circled in red with a slash mark across it.

"Aw come on guys! Not again!" Robin exclaimed.

"Sorry sonny, but that one crossed the line." said the squad leader. "We're going to have to take you in."

"But that one had to be done! I mean the guy is _asking_ for it! Cardiac? What kind of super villain has a name like Cardiac and _doesn't_ expect people to make a pun off it?-!" Robin exclaimed.

"He has a point, Sir." said one of the others.

"Yeah, alright. We'll take him in too." the leader said, nodding. Several of the squad then pointed their rifles (and banana) at the large heart-shaped villain, who held up his tubes.

The remaining Titans groaned. But there was nothing to be done. The Pun Police carted both offenders off and the four leftover Titans returned to the Tower to await their leader's release.

(O)

Raven sat down on her bed and reopened her book.

_But it did seem that the power of Rorek was greater than my magics could defeat. And as the fell beast struck—_

There was a knock at her door. A bit irritated, she closed her book and went to answer it. It was…Red X?

"What the—what are you doing here?"

"The Hair Gel King got himself into trouble with the Pun Police again so I'm filling in to pay back a favor." he answered. "I'm supposed to ask you if there's anything wrong, right?"

"What favor?" she demanded.

"I had an incident with some overcooked spaghetti and the wrong kind of mushrooms – or the _right_ kind of mushrooms depending on your point of view. So anyway, are you feeling alright? Your room seems to have exploded with creepy. I mean, how can you read all those books with the lights so dim?"

"Night vision. Now go away."

"Also you're looking a little gray."

"I'm always gray."

"What, that's normal?"

"Goodbye!" she slammed the door shut.

…_greater than my magics could defeat. And as the fell beast struck I—_

More knocking. She was starting to sense a pattern here. She opened the door to find Starfire looking gloomy.

"I miss Robin." she confessed.

"Why don't you go raid his wardrobe and walk around wearing his clothes like last time?" Raven asked.

Starfire brightened up. "What a glorious idea! But, wait…that episode is in Season 4, we are still in Season 3…"

"Do it anyway." Raven closed the door. She sat down and opened the book again.

_Sweet Maartuz how many times am I going to have to repeat this? Ahem, and as the fell beast struck, I summoned the forces of my enchanted book._

"_Aldruon Enlenthra Nalthos Sola Narisnor!"_

"_Oh thou hast got to be jesting with me!"_

_And with a curse more ancient than foul Rorek himself, I—_

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! "Hey! Yo Raven!"

"Dude! Open up!"

She stalked to the door. It flew open with a blast of force that sent the two jokers of the group scrambling to get their footing back. They gave her big smiles, but those smiles faltered when she suddenly produced a large scroll of parchment that unrolled halfway to the floor.

"Uh…what's that?" Beast Boy asked.

"My contract, which, you will notice, has your signatures at the bottom. It very clearly states that Raven, that's me, is granted multiple hours of uninterrupted solitude to be used for meditation, reading, or anything else that requires the peace and quiet I am currently not getting. This is a copy. Feel free to peruse it at your earliest convenience." she said, tossing the parchment at them. She tried to shut the door but Beast Boy managed to wedge himself slightly in the way.

"But Raveeeeen! We need a referee for our awesome new game!"

Raven shoved him out using a life-size doll version of herself. "Here, use this." she said, slamming the door shut.

Beast Boy let out a piercing, girly scream. In retrospect, she probably should have removed the blood stains.

"DUDE!-!-! Raven! That is seriously creepy!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I mean, gawd! You are so creepy! Why can't you be normal?-!"

"This coming from a little green man who turns into green animals."

"Creepy! Creepy! Creepy!"

"Dude, lay off. Let's just go." Cyborg said finally.

"Creepy!"

There was a clattering smack from outside.

"DUDE! Did you seriously just smack me with Raven's doll?-!"

"Uh…no man, I didn't do anything."

Pause.

"AAAAAAAAHH!-!-!"

Raven opened the door to let the doll come back in. It shrugged and went back to its usual spot. She shut the door and went back to her bed. "What's wrong with being creepy?" she wondered despondently.

"I like creepy."

Raven gasped and dropped the book, which was where the voice had come from.

(O)

**Interlude**

And now, a word from our sponsors!

"We have sponsors?" the author demanded.

Actually no, we don't.

"Well this certainly wasn't a complete waste of text…"

(O)

"Ow."

"Uh…did you just…?"

"Speak?"

"Uh huh."

"I did. And then you dropped me on my spine."

"And that hurt?"

"Well…yes."

"How? Paper doesn't have nerve endings."

"Well I—"

"And how are you talking without a voice box? Or a throat? Or a mouth?" Raven picked up the book and then started examining the pages as though she might find such organs pressed somewhere.

"Look, it's magic, alright? A wizard did it. Me, to be precise. Will you stop that? That feels very strange."

"What happens when I do this?"

"When you do wha—oi! Don't dog-ear my pages! Do you have any idea how damaging that is?-! What are bookmarks for?"

"That's amazing. You even removed the crease. If only all my books could do that."

"Ah-HEM!"

"Oh, right, I'm supposed to let you explain who you are, aren't I?"

"That would be helpful for the plot, yes." The book cleared a nonexistent throat. "Malchior of Nol, at your service."

"The wizard who faced the dread dragon Rorek?"

"The wizard who _defeated_ Rorek. And who is trapped within these pages by the dragon's final curse."

"Trapped? But that battle was almost,"

"One-thousand years ago. And I've been waiting for someone to find me ever since. Raven…I've been waiting for you." His pages flipped of their own accord to a picture…of her.

Raven stared, blushed, and then snapped the book shut. "Now that is the _wrong_ kind of creepy. That is _stalker_ creepy. Goodbye." she said, carrying him towards the door.

"Wait, wait, wait! Maybe we could, you know, talk?"

"Sorry, but I don't read books to socialize. Besides, I still need my solitary time. I'll put you in Robin's room until he gets back."

"But I could teach you magic!"

"I already know magic."

"Better magic, then!"

"Why was my picture in your book?"

"Alright, alright, I put it there because I'm trying to flirt with you! I can manipulate the ink and pages to a mild degree. Here, open me up and I'll demonstrate."

She did so, and watched as a few pages rose up, turned into ribbons, and then folded themselves into a paper rose. She stared. "Alright, that's impressive. The best I've ever been able to do is a water lily, and they don't even look like water lilies either."

"I don't suppose I might ask you to try and release me? It may require me to teach you quite a lot of advanced magic that will suddenly make you very potent for one episode after which you will return to your old power with no more mention of it except in fanfiction."

"Well…I don't know. Something about this entire thing seems a bit off to me. I mean, if you were about to seal Rorek in the book how is it that you managed to defeat him even though he turned the spell around? And how come you've only started talking to me now? And, come to that, why is it that I came to what you claim to be the end of the book but there's so many more pages that I haven't read yet?"

"I know how to make the most amazing waffles. From scratch."

"Let's get started!"

(O)

"It's dark magic. You've been teaching me dark magic!" Raven exclaimed accusingly.

"Is it dark? Or is it simply misunderstood?"

"Misunderstood?-! It's magic! Are you trying to suggest all it needs is some therapy and a few happy pills?"

"No, I'm saying that it's not what people think it is. Being dark is not the same as being evil, Raven."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. Darkness is far more dangerous. At least evil is predictable."

"You're not exactly doing too good a job of defending yourself here…"

"The point is that just because something is dark or, say, creepy, that doesn't mean it's necessarily _bad_. It just needs some of that yellow tape with the word 'caution' repeated every three inches and a sign that says 'handle with care' or, alternatively, 'treat like a lady'. Don't you agree?"

"Um…well…"

"Smashing! Now, how about we get me out of this book?"

"I don't know…something doesn't seem quite—"

"Waffles."

"I'm ready!"

(O)

Upon the roof of the T-Tower a dragon roared his fury to the sky, and then started coughing and hacking desperately.

"Water! Need water! Throat dry as paper!" he rasped.

"You lied to me!" Raven shouted, shaking her fist at the huge black mythical beast.

"Look, Love, I can explain. But first I have _got_ to get a glass of water. Would you mind?"

"Explain? Explain _what_?-! How the hell can you possibly make any waffles when you're so big your _head_ couldn't fit into a conventional kitchen, let alone the rest of you?-!" she demanded.

"Waffles? Oh, right…the waffles…wait, aren't you angry I lied to you about being the dragon instead of the wizard?" he asked.

"What? Oh no, I figured that out a while ago. You probably shouldn't have shown me how easily you're able to manipulate the book like that."

"Wha—you _knew_? Then why did you set me free?"

"Duh? I want those waffles you promised!"

He stared at her. "So…the fact that I'm a dragon doesn't bother you?"

"It bothers me!"

"Be quite, green person. You're just jealous." Malchior turned back to Raven with a question in his eyes. "Well?"

"That depends. Does my being half-demon bother you?" she asked.

"Not at all!"

"Then as long as you don't do any more rampaging we're cool. Now, can we get back to the important part?"

"Important part?"

"My waffles!"

Malchior the dragon looked over at the others. "She's a bit fixated, isn't she?"

"She does like her waffles." Cyborg told him.

"Am I the only one who has a problem with the fact that there's a gigantic black dragon on our roof?-!" Beast Boy demanded.

"Well, the tower is going to need to be repaired. But we have to do that so often I've stopped caring." Cyborg answered.

Malchior then turned into a human. "Is this better?" he asked.

"Much." Robin answered.

"Why do you look like Rorek?" Raven asked

"I don't. I made the pictures in the book look like me. I just changed up the coloring." he lied.

"I guess that makes as much sense as anything else. So about those waffles,"

"Can't that wait until morning?" he asked, putting an arm around her – or trying to.

"No, you promised me waffles. And stop trying to hug me. I don't do hugging."

"Is she always like this?" Malchior asked the others.

"No. The author just thought it'd be funnier if she was." Red X answered.

It was at about this time that a freak hurricane blew in, gave everyone in the entire city a bad hair day (or night, whatever), redecorated the T-Tower in pastel colors, and then did some yard work on the grassy outskirts before throwing down some snow on about 15 square feet of a children's playground park just to see how the bunnies reacted. Cardiac and Robin got out of Pun Prison only to find themselves on a talk-show hosted by a water balloon with social anxiety. A rubber chicken fell in the street and got run over by a car after which it dedicated its life to the destruction of the world, but never became a true villain on account of having no muscle with which to move or a brain to move it with. Malchior got a job in a fast food restaurant only to get fired half an hour later for making all the children cry. After this he got his revenge by filling the fridge with ram skulls and painting flowers all over the ceiling in rooster blood. Red X flirted shamelessly with Starfire, got chewed out by Robin, decided to flirt with Raven, and then got chewed on by Malchior. Then a huge fleet of space monkeys came to earth and—

(8)

A/N: You're going to stop right there.

Rhea: But I was having so much fun!

Too much fun. Knock it off!

Rhea: Oh fine…


	8. Dractwin Pranks

A/N: This is a cop-out.

Rhea: Yeah…I can't seem to figure out any good non-crack pranks for the twins to pull in 'Circles' so I figured I'd do it in Squares since it can get downright ridiculous here and no one cares.

Except me.

Rhea: Except the cat, but some limitations are necessary I _guess_.

So what's with the title, exactly?

Rhea: 'Dractwin' is actually something Juniper Night came up with. ^_^ Seemed appropriate.

Whatever. So, is there any plan here?

Rhea: Nope. I just thought we'd toss the characters into random situations and see what happened.

So, basically what you do every time you sit down to write Squares?

Rhea: Yeah-huh.

(8)

**Dractwin Pranks**

"Beast Man,"

"Yeah Rorek?"

"What happened to your hair?" he asked.

"What? What's wrong with it?" Beast Boy asked, pulling a lock over to his eye so he could take a look. It was green, as always.

"It is…not there." Rorek told him.

Beast Boy stared at him. "What are you talking about, Man? It's right here!"

"I assure you it is not. Your scalp is quite bare. Did you have an unfortunate shaving accident?"

Beast Boy ran his fingers all over his head. His hair was all there, he could feel it, see it, and everything. What was Rorek talking about? "Dude, I'm not bald." he stated.

"Ah…" Rorek looked uncomfortable for a moment and then he brightened up, "Well if that is your belief then I am very glad for you!" he said. And then he rushed off.

"I'm not bald!" Beast Boy called after him. "Dude's gone nuts." he muttered.

A few minutes later he ran into Malchior. "Why did you shave your head?" Malchior asked by way of a greeting.

"I didn't!" Beast Boy exclaimed, grabbing his hair and pulling on it. "I have my hair! All of it! It's right here! See?"

"I see you pulling on your skin. That's probably not healthy, just so you know."

"Gah!" Beast Boy grabbed his hand and put it on his head. "Look! Hair! Feel it?-! It's there!-!-!"

Malchior rubbed his hand across Beast Boy's head. "Um…no. No I do not."

"Oh whatever!" Beast Boy exclaimed. Throwing Malchior's hand off and stalking away. "You guys are just trying to mess with me!"

The next person he came into contact with was Raven, who stared. "Uh…what did you do to your hair?" she asked.

"I'M NOT BALD!" Beast Boy shouted before running off.

Raven stared after him, a bit perplexed. "Never said you were…" she mumbled to herself.

Throughout the day various Titans were constantly attempting to make some comment (or at least snicker) about Beast Boy's hair only to be shouted down. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he burst into the living room where, conveniently, all the Titans had gathered.

"For the last time, I AM NOT BALD!" he declared. "I HAVE HAIR! SEE IT? LOOK!-!-! IT'S THERE! OKAY?-!"

There was some snickering. "Dude, we know you got hair." Cyborg said.

"It's just that, well, pink isn't usually you're color." Nightwing said.

Beast Boy froze, grabbed a chunk of his hair, and looked at it. Then he started screaming.

"Are you two behind this?" Raven demanded of the laughing twins. They nodded. "Nice one." she said, grinning.

(O)

"_Are you sure we should be so near?"_

"_No, but if we can't watch and obtain the full entertainment value of our deviousness then what's the point?"_

"_Ssssh, be quiet. I think someone is coming."_

"_We're speaking telepathically, you idiot."_

"_Who is that?"_

"_Oh crap! It's Raven!"_

"_What should we do? Should we stop her?"_

"_Uuuuh,"_

But it was too late. Raven glanced down, saw the stray glittering thing that had been oh so accidentally discarded, and picked it up. There was a pop, a puff of purply-pink smoke added in for good measure, and when it cleared there was a coughing white bunny rabbit wearing a white cloak with a black suite underneath.

Bunny Raven paused, looked down at herself, looked up, and narrowed her eyes at the twins, both of whom were looking sufficiently ashamed.

"Um, in our defense, we sort of thought you would be Nightwing…" Rorek began.

"Why is she a rabbit? What is it with you and leporids?" Malchior demanded.

"Well I—No, wait! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T THINK IT'D BE—OH SWEET MAARTUZ!"

"CHANGE ME BACK THIS INSTANT!-!-!"

"Um, we probably can't because—NO WAIT! IT WAS HIS SPELL! _HIS_ SPELL!"

"It'll wear off, My Lady…" Rorek whimpered.

Once the twins had been sufficiently disciplined, Bunny Raven bounded away in a huff leaving a pair of battered dragons with their hair in a complete mess, various bits of cloth in tatters, and red marks concentrated mostly on their faces.

"Malchior?"

"Yes Rorek?"

"We just got savaged by a bunny rabbit."

"I noticed."

They were making an attempt to gather themselves back together when there was a magical glittery sound that went 'twing!' in the air. Malchior gave Rorek a look. "You really need to work on the timing of your magical sound effects."

(O)

Starfire stared at the strange red dot with some curiosity. It was sort of shining and it seemed to be sitting on the counter top like some bright glowing bug. She stared at it for a while, moving slowly so as not to scare it off. Finally she got close and, ever so slowly, reached out a hand to touch it. But before her finger could make contact it moved away down the counter. Then it seemed to stop. She looked around but there was no one else in the living room. She floated in the air and got close again. Reached out and—zip! It darted suddenly over to the dining room table. It was so fast! She flew after it, determined to catch it. Several pieces of furniture went flying in her wake as the little bright bug, which seemed to always be on some surface and never in the air despite its speed, constantly eluded her even when she was _sure_ she'd caught it.

"I feel sure that it is not right to be amused by this." Rorek said, looking up from the crystal ball, into which Malchior was shining the little red laser pointer.

"Why? She's having fun, we're having fun, everyone's having a good time! How is that wrong?" Malchior asked.

Rorek just sighed. Looking back he saw Starfire had donned a pot for a helmet and was now stalking the little dot of light with a wooden spoon. Technically crystal balls were only supposed to be a one-way image, but something about the waves used by laser pointers was getting through to the other side.

Nightwing appeared in the living room and with his arrival came a broad grin on Malchior's face. Rorek's eyes went wide. "Don't!" he tried, but too late. Malchior shone the light right on Nightwing's unsuspecting chest and Starfire barreled right into him in her attempt to catch it.

"He had better not be injured!" Rorek exclaimed, glaring at his brother.

"I think he's forgotten about them." Malchior said, indicating the fact that, now taking place, was the end result of Starfire and Nightwing finding themselves on the floor and, more or less, in each other's arms.

Rorek coughed and put a cloth over the crystal ball to give the couple some privacy.

(O)

"What the crap are you doing?-!" the author demanded, her eyes bulging as she spotted what Malchior was balancing precariously on the top of a doorway that was cracked open.

"What the crap does it _look_ like I'm doing?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

"Is that Excalibur?-!" she exclaimed. "How did—where di—YOU WERE AN EFFING BOOK HOW THE CRAP DID YOU MANAGE TO NAB EXCALIBUR?-!"

"Arthur was doing some bedtime reading and set my book on top of his nightstand, which was, incidentally, where he kept Excalibur as well. He thought someone had stolen it during the night. It was hilarious. He freaked out and ran around the castle in his nightclothes. Took Merlin ages to calm him down and assure him that the sword was still in the castle. Not that they ever found it. Heheh."

"And you are doing _what_ with it, exactly?" she demanded.

"I've heard it called an 'ava-door'." he answered, satisfied with his work and floating back down.

"But that could be fatal!" she exclaimed.

"So? It's not like this is canon."

"Well yeah, but, but I don't do character death!" she said.

"That's okay," Malchior said just as Cyborg walked through the door. "I do."

"Hey guys what's u—" SHUCK. Thud!

The author's jaw dropped and her eyes went wide. "Sweet Pahmonah, you just killed Cyborg!" she squeaked.

"Um…I actually was not honestly intending for that to _kill_…can you bring him back? I mean, it's only fiction." Malchior said.

"Probably but it might take a while. What am I supposed to do in the mean time?-!" she demanded.

"Why don't you just go steal a super hero from some other comic book universe to replace him for the necessary time?"

"Hmmm…"

(O)

Somewhere in another set of dimensions…

"Excuse me, are you busy?"

Tony Stark looked up, startled. "You again! What are you?" he demanded.

"A dragon…at least fictionally. Anyway, I was hoping you could—MALCHIOR NO!" she exclaimed.

Stark spun around just in time to see Rorek yanking a large spiked club out of his twin's hand. "For the last time, Dear Brother, humans are _fragile_!" he said admonishingly.

"Isn't he the 'Iron Man' person?" Malchior demanded.

"Yes, but only when he is using his special suit. Here," Rorek handed Malchior a very similar club, except without the spikes. "And be gentle."

"Now hang on a moment!" Stark tried to get out of the way but Malchior was too quick and caught him 'round the temple.

"I really don't think that was necessary…" the author said.

"Oh, so he'd have willingly come along and acted as a substitute for a character in the ridiculous side-drabbles of a fanfiction based off the cartoon version of another comic book company's product."

"Well…put it like that…let's go find his suit."

(O)

They weren't actual chickens. Oh they were hopping around and clucking and every time he kicked one it flapped featherless wings and made sounds of protest, but they weren't chickens, and they weren't alive.

They were _rubber_. And he couldn't seem to get rid of them. Every time he tried to kick one out of his room it seemed to hit some invisible barrier and bounce right back, clucking and scrabbling to get back on its feet.

Nightwing was _not happy_.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!-!-!" he shouted.

"Wuck!" was all the response he got.

(O)

"Whoa, Cyborg, did you decide to get a new look?" Beast Boy asked.

"Look, I'm not Cyborg! I'm Iron Man!"

"A new name too, huh? Well good luck. Even the narrator still calls me 'Beast Boy'."

"No! I mean I'm not who this Cyborg person was! I'm Tony Stark! One of The Avengers!"

"Yeah, nice try, Cy, but I'm not falling for any more practical jokes. Now are you going to play or what?" Beast Boy demanded, pointing to the gaming console and the television screen it was hooked up to.

"I'm not Cyborg!"

Beast Boy snorted. "Fine then, prove it."

"I can't. That crazy horned girl with the crazy hair and scaly tail poured glue into my suit. I can't get it off."

"Uh huh, sure. Sit down, Cyborg."

"For the last time, I am not—is that Halo III?"

(O)

The Titans were all (save a certain duo) gathered in the living room. Bunny Raven was glowering and daring anyone to comment (no one did), Nightwing had rubber chickens clinging to him for some reason going 'wuck!' every now and again, Beast Boy's hair had regained its pink hue, Starfire was sulking because her glowing red bug had yet to reappear, and Iron Man, AKA: Cyborg, was rummaging through the fridge.

"Where's the alcohol?-!" he demanded.

"Dude, what part of 'Teen Titans' did you not understand?" Beast Boy asked.

"There's _none_?"

"There are age-restrictive laws in this world. Deal with it." Nightwing snapped. He turned back to the others. "Alright, this calls for some serious revenge. Ideas?"

"A bucket of whitewash." Beast Boy offered.

"Not good enough." Bunny Raven growled. Suddenly Ru hopped up onto the counter and started sniffing at her. Raven pushed the hare off her. "I'm female, and the wrong genus. Go away."

"If you had some actual _drinks_ you could probably get them drunk." Iron Man said, still rummaging in the hopes that at least one of the Titans was a normal teenager and had procured alcohol somehow despite their ages (or apparent ages anyway).

"I say we travel to the far reaches of Tamaran to procure a great number of Corkal slugs and then proceed to place each slug into one or the others' pants until they either submit in defeat or are no longer capable of producing offspring." Starfire came in.

"Um…as much merit as this idea currently holds, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to have a problem with it." Raven said.

"Well a bunny certainly would." Iron Man offered. Raven glared. He snickered. "Sorry, kid, but you're too cute to be intimidating."

"Soon as this spell wears off I'll show you how cute I really am."

"Oooo, I'm scared now."

"We could redecorate Malchior's room in shades of pink and fuchsia and steal all of Rorek's shiny ornaments…" Beast Boy offered.

"Not good enough." Nightwing said. "Dang, I wish the real Cyborg were here. What did you say your name was again?"

"Tony Stark. Also known as Iron Man."

"And you've agreed to fill in for Cyborg because…?"

"Back in my world Loki, God of Mischief, destroyed 343 Industries before they could finish and release Halo III."

"Right…any ideas besides getting them drunk?"

"I have an idea!" the author came in, popping into existence with the sound of a wet tortoise jumping on Jello. "What? What does that even—oh whatever. Apparently the weird sound effects are back. Anyway, I have an idea!" she repeated.

"Alright, fine, what is it?" Nightwing asked.

"Allow me to present, Kate!" the author said, stepping aside to reveal a young girl of a generic description. Average height, messy brown hair, T-shirt, jeans, and a baseball cap. "She is a professional fangirl. Show them Kate."

Kate nodded, turned her cap around with the air of one getting down to business, and with a clap of her hands her shirt suddenly had the picture of a pale young man bearing the words, "Team Edward" underneath. Then Kate cleared her throat, assumed the expression and face-slapping position of a girl who was coming face-to-face with her greatest obsession, and squealed. "EEEEEEEEEEE!-!-!"

Five seconds later…

"Whoa…" said Iron Man.

"What do you think?" the author asked eagerly, Kate having returned to normal with her shirt once again blank.

"Well, considering all the males just dove behind the counter as though hell itself were on their heels, I'd say she's pretty effective." Raven answered.

"And she can clone herself into an army. Want to see?"

"NO!" the boys all shouted desperately.

"We'll take you at your word." Bunny Raven said. "We'll also take her. I've got an idea."

(O)

"Malchior, do you hear something?"

"Sort of…do you feel that?"

"I think I do. Like a slowly increasing sense of preemptive terror. I'm sure I'm hearing something as well."

"Yes, I hear it too…sort of like screaming, only…"

The ground trembled beneath them. The twins looked at one another.

"It occurs to me, though I'm not sure why, that it was not a good idea to leave the tower for this suspiciously open stretch of parkland." Rorek mused.

A few seconds later and the two of them were being professionally mobbed by a horde of professional fangirls, each of whom were wearing T-shirts that said either 'Team Rorek' or 'Team Malchior' that, due to some bureaucratic mix-ups, didn't always have the right face on the right name. A few even had their dragon faces and at least one had a picture of a dancing banana with the legend, 'Peanut Butter Jelly Team'. There was a war going on between the sides that the two dragons found themselves in the center of.

"MALCHIOR IS THE BEST!"

"NO! ROREK!"

"HIN MONAH LOS VOBRII!"

"HIN RONAAN LOS SAHQO!"

"ZU'U AAN MALOMRAAN! OFAN ZU FAYKROQUETH!"

"IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!"

The dragons were, of course, screaming for mercy at this point. Not that they were going to get it.

"You don't think this is going a bit too far?" Iron Man asked.

"Maybe. Too late now, though." Nightwing answered.

(8)

A/N: Oooookayyyy…

Rhea: That was fun!

…Right. You know you're going to have to return Iron Man.

Rhea: Tried, he's resisting my efforts. Something about finishing Halo III first.

Draconic translations:  
"Your mother is ugly!"  
"Your archer is red!"  
"I'm a small furry animal! Give me sticks!"


	9. Skryim: Teen Titans Edition

A/N: So it has been brought to our attention that the author has been using quite a lot of Skyrim references,

Rhea: THE SECRET OF THE ELDER SCROLLS REVEALED!

Only in your fantasy. So, this chapter is going to—

Rhea: KILL ALL THE GODS!

I don't think—

Rhea: WITH THE DEATH NOTE!

No. Anyway,

Rhea: AND A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME!

Shut up! So, in this chapter we are going to toss various characters into the actual land/dimension/fandom of Skyrim and see what happens. You probably don't need to have actually _played_ Skyrim, just watch the Trailer and you'll get the general idea. Just know that there are a whole lot of memes which we will be explaining and exploiting.

Rhea: I'M THE DRAGONBORN!

No, no you're not.

Rhea: What? Why not?-! Why can't I be the Dragonborn?-!

For the obvious reason?

Rhea: It's because I'm a woman, isn't it?-! That's so sexist!

Don't make me hurt you. Ahem. Do be aware of spoilers, though. Mild and misleading ones, perhaps, but spoilers nonetheless.

(8)

**Skyrim: Teen Titans Edition**

(A/N: This scene is a parody of the official trailer.)

_You should have acted; they were already here._

The mighty dragon flaps its wings, soaring across the skies despite the fact that anything that size couldn't actually fly with just wings and no jet engine. It still looked awesome.

_The elder scrolls told of their return._

Really? How? 'Cause I've seen one of those scrolls and those things are freak'n illegible. Even the fan-made Wiki says the characters make no sense and if obsessive fans with too much time on their hands and nothing better to do with it can't make it out then it's—

_Do you mind? Just go with it!_

Oh alright.

A man runs through the forest, panting and panicking, wondering how the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks he got here and where the hell that dragon came from.

_Their defeat was merely a delay._

The dragon roars for good measure, chasing his prey out of the spiky forest that he'd refuse to land in even though the trees would pose no trouble for a mighty beast such as he. It was just that excessive clipping was against his religion.

_Til the time after Oblivion opened,_

Pant, pant, pant, run, run, run…

_When the sons of Skyrim would spill their own blood,_

What, like mass suicides? Why would they do that?

_No, no, I mean they would spill each other's blood._

Right, okay…so they're going to turn Skyrim into some sort of Amazon deal where there's all these women warriors or something?

_WHEN THE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF SKYRIM WOULD SPILL EACH OTHER'S BLOOD! HAPPY?-!_

Okay, that works. Ahem,

The panting running hero found himself on the edge of a precipice with a clear space of ground behind him that the dragon could easily land on without any trees being a problem. Way to go dude.

_But no one wanted to believe, believe they even existed. And when the truth finally dawns,_

The mighty dragon landed and grinned at his prey, who turned slowly around.

_It dawns in fire._

The dragon opened its maw to shout,

"Wait! Wait a minute!" the man exclaimed, waving his arms.

"What?" The dragon demanded. Then he narrowed his eyes on the human he'd been chasing. "Hey wait a moment, that's not normal attire for this land."

"Yeah, and I think there's something you need to know before you try to kill me."

"How can you even see through that mask? I mean it's just white!"

"Advanced technology. Anyway, can I go on?"

"Oh yes, do excuse me, what were you saying? What do I need to know before I kill you, munch on your bones, and get a good high off the endorphins in your brain?"

"I'm really good friends with the dragon that somehow managed to sneak up behind you." he answered. "And, as you can see, he's a whole lot bigger than you are."

Rorek grinned. The first dragon gaped, which was an understandable reaction considering Rorek's dragon form had to be at least five times the size of the first dragon. "Glad as I am to greet another of my kind I must ask that you refrain from damaging any of my fellows. And I shall make this request like so: **Fus Ro DAH**!"

_But, there's one they fear. In their tongue, he's Dovakiin: Drag—hey wait a minute!_

(Troll Face)

(O)

(A/N: In the beginning of Skyrim your character wakes up as a prisoner about to be executed. When the warder asks you who you are is when you decide on your race, gender, looks, and name.)

The prisoners were all lined up and waiting to be called over for execution. The horse thief tried to plead his case but was told to shut up and quit being such a pansy or they'd shoot him in the knee. But there was one prisoner that the warder didn't recognize.

"Wait a moment. You, who are you?" he asked.

"Iron Man." came the flat reply.

"Race?"

There was a pause.

"Guess. No, really, _guess_. I want to hear what you come up with."

(O)

(A/N: They do this a lot.)

"I used to be an adventurer like you," said one of the guards. "But then I took an arrow to the knee."

Cyborg and Beast Boy stared at him. "You too? I swear, you've got to be the fiftieth guard we've come across who's said that!"

"How come they all think we're adventurers anyway?" Beast Boy demanded. "_Are_ we adventurers?"

"I don't think so."

"My cousin's out fighting dragons and what do I get? Guard duty."

"That's the seventeenth guard who's said that!" Beast Boy said.

"No lollygagging."

"Augh, let's just go!" Cyborg exclaimed.

(O)

(A/N: There is actually a mod for this.)

"Who are you?"

"Malchior."

"Race?"

"Dragon."

"Alright, gend—wait, what?"

"You heard me."

(O)

(A/N: This is actually possible…)

"Hey, hey, check this out," the author said, nudging Iron Man.

"Can I get out of this suit, now?" he demanded.

"No. Anyway,"

"But I have to pee."

"Fictional characters don't go to the bathroom. And anyway, there are no toilets in Skyrim. Anywhere."

"So why do I have the pressing need to go?"

"Because my cat is cruel. Anyway, watch this. I am totally going to steal everything in this store and the owner will never see me." she said.

"Now _that_ I don't believe. Your sneak skill has to be, what, negative ten?"

"Negative four. But I'll do it anyway. Watch!"

"Well, alright, but I'm not going to bail you out when she calls the guard." he said.

The author picked up a large wicker basket, walked over to the store owner, and put it over her head.

"Oh that is so cheating!" Iron Man exclaimed as the author, crouching, began to swipe things like a mad woman. He turned to the store owner. "Lady! Lady why are you just leaving the basket on your head?-! She's stealing all your stuff! You're going to wake up to an empty shop! Hello!"

"Some may call this junk. Me, I call them treasures." said the shopkeeper.

"What the—oh no, alright how do I exit out of the shopping screen when I don't have an escape button to press?" Iron Man demanded.

"Do you have an X-box controller?"

"No!"

"Well, then, you're screwed."

(O)

"I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took a—AH AH AAAAAH!-!-! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!-!-!"

"There, now you don't have any call to go complaining about your knees."

"OH GODS THE AGONY!-!-!"

"You just zapped their legs right off!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

Cyborg twitched. "NO MORE KNEES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!"

(O)

"Who are you?"

"Raven Roth."

"Race?"

Bunny Raven sighed. "Bunny Rabbit." she answered.

"Er…" the warder turned to the woman next to him, "Captain, what should we do? She's not on the list. I'm also unfamiliar with any procedure involving the execution of woodland creatures."

"Forget the list. She goes to the block."

"I don't think she can reach it." he said.

"Do I have to repeat myself?"

He sighed. "By your orders, Captain." He looked uncomfortably down at Raven. "Why are you wearing a white cloak?"

"Because I ran out of red dye." she answered sarcastically.

"Oh…f-follow the captain." he said.

Raven hopped along as best she could with her front paws tied together and took her place in the lineup of prisoners. The two Stormcloak rebels on either side of her looked down, then looked at each other. They were still trying to work out if what they were seeing was real when the first prisoner got his head chopped off and they missed the entire drama that played out before them. They also missed the strange haunting sound.

"Next, the bunny rabbit!" the captain commanded.

"The _what_?" General Tullius demanded. The haunting echoing sound came again. Raven looked up and around, pretty sure she recognized that sound.

"There it is again. Did you hear that?" the warder asked.

"I said: Next prisoner!" the captain snapped.

"To the block, Prisoner. Nice and easy." the warder instructed.

"Could someone get this dead body out of the way? I'm having enough trouble as it is." Raven asked.

"Captain, did that rabbit just speak?"

"Yes, General."

"Ah…I thought so…Captain,"

"Yes, General?"

"Since when did we publically execute small furry animals?"

"Um…"

The executioner having helpfully pushed the first victim out of the way, Raven hopped up to the block. It was about at eye-height.

"I could get you a stool?" the executioner offered helpfully.

"WHY ARE WE EXECUTING A BUNNY RABBIT?-!"

"I, well, you said, I mean…"

Meanwhile Bunny Raven was staring up at the top of the tower in front of her. Her ears drooped. "That's not Malchior." she said.

The executioner turned and looked. "Really? Wrong color then?" he asked conversationally.

"No, no. Right color. Wrong size. Also, Malchior isn't in the habit of making the skies turn suddenly stormy like that." Raven added.

"Oh, well I'm sure he—OH GODS!" the executioner screamed as he was flung away by a blast from the not-Malchior's voice and all hell broke loose.

"Hey! You! Bunny…prisoner. Let's go!" one of the other prisoners shouted at her. Raven managed to slip her paws out of the bonds and bounded after him as meteorites began falling from the sky. He led her into another tower and shut the door behind her. There were a few others inside already. Some of them were wounded. You could tell because of the shiny blood spatters.

"Jarl Ulfric! What is that thing?" asked the blond prisoner that had led her to (relative) safety.

"Looked like a dragon to me." Raven offered.

The one called 'Ulfric' looked down at her. "That rabbit is actually talking, isn't it?" he asked.

"No, I'm not. Rabbits can't talk. Everyone knows that." Raven stated.

"Oh…really?"

"I would know, wouldn't I?"

The human-types stared at one another.

"I don't think I can do this anymore." said the blond prisoner, an eye twitching.

"We need to move, now!" said Ulfric. "Up through the tower, let's go!" he commanded.

Raven, who was just going along with it, bounded up the stone steps but managed to stop just in time as the dragon blasted through the wall.

"**Yol Toor Shul**!" it shouted, a stream of potent flames erupting from its maw.

"Hin monah los malomraan voth faykroqueth!" Raven shouted back.

The dragon paused and stared at her in surprise. "She was not! How dare you! You take that back!"

"Bovoth hinmaar!"

The dragon's jaw dropped and he gasped. "I cannot believe you just said that! Who's been teaching you such profanity? This is unacceptable! I just can't—augh! Well that just completely ruins my day! When I find out who's been teaching woodland creatures such things _there will be words_! I mean I _am_ the almighty ruler of all dragonkind, you know. Alduin, right? When cute little animals can just come out and give _me_ lip like that then it has simply gone too far!"

"I thought Maartuz was the lord of all dragons." Raven said.

"That's a fanfictional god and is, by default, less important than a fictional god such as myself." Alduin stated.

"I disagree." said a rather _larger_ voice from outside and somewhere up above. Alduin looked up. His eyes bulged. "Well, no, I don't actually _disagree_, but I don't have to like it, which I don't. And I can, therefore, make a case against your assertion. Such case being the fact that I am quite a bit bigger than you are." And then a head that was larger than the opening itself came down, grabbed Alduin in its jaw, and sent the dragon flying. A very large red eye then peered through the hole. "Ah, there you are." he said, spotting Raven.

"W-w-who is th-that?" one of the nords gasped.

"Um, my love interest." Raven offered, hopping over towards the opening where Malchior had positioned his head for her to hop on.

The blond prisoner was crying.

"Ralof, are you alright?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ANYMORE!-!-!"

(O)

"So, if I wear this 'Amulet of Mara' and speak to someone, it means that I wish to marry them?" Starfire asked, holding up said amulet.

"Uh, sort of. It makes the dialogue option available for anyone who can be married." the author answered.

"How will I know if they can be married?" Starfire asked.

"They'll call attention to it. Like 'hey, is that an Amulet of Mara?' or something like that." the author explained.

"Glorious!" Starfire put the amulet on and flew over to Nightwing. "Nightwing!"

He turned around. "Oh hey…wow, nice necklace." he said.

Starfire squealed and threw her arms around Nightwing. "Let us be wed!" she cried.

"Huh-wha?-!"

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Iron Man accused.

"Heheheh."

(O)

(A/N: After a while it happens to you too.)

"I use to be an adventurer like you. And then I—UACK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!-!-!"

"Cyborg calm down! You can't keep blasting guards like that! You're going to turn us into the most wanted criminals in all of Skyrim!"

(O)

"I'm the Dragonborn!" the author declared. She was decked out in full Dovakiin armor too, though she was having some issues with the helmet because of her hair and horns. It wouldn't quite fit all the way so she had to sort of wear it as a hat that she strapped to her head with twine. She did have a sword, though.

The Graybeards, who were something like the leading experts on Dragonborns and the Way of the Voice (aka: blasting people apart by shouting), looked at her critically.

"Um, sorry, but you can't possibly be Dovakiin." Arngeir told her.

"Whaaaat? Why noooooot?" she wined.

"It's because, well, you're already a dragon." he explained.

"What?-! I can't be Dragonborn if I'm a dragon? That's speciesist! Or…speciest, er…how would you write that anyway? Well it's racism only across species so there!" she exclaimed.

Arngeir turned pleadingly to Paarthurnax, the dragon, "A little help here?"

"Zeimdinok nid, Jul. Hi auwundun voaav." Paarthurnax said, then he translated. "Hell no, Man. You're on your own."

"Alright! You're Dovakiin! Now go defeat Alduin!" Arngeir exclaimed, giving up and throwing his hands in the air.

"First, close your eyes and put this on. It will assist you in the defeat of Alduin, but you cannot look at it or you will go blind." Paarthurnax said.

The author, being the gullible fool that she often was, said, "Okay!" and closed her eyes with her hands held out. She managed to get the thing around her neck by feel and went off to hunt down Alduin.

"Paarthurnax, why did you just give her a—"

"Ssssssh, immortal beings have to have some fun too, don't they?" the dragon answered.

(O)

"Hey, Cyborg, look at this! These are some freaky arrows." Beast Boy said, holding up a very odd-looking quiver with rainbow stripes painted on it.

"Huh, looks like there's an inscription on it. What does it say?"

"'Instant Adventurer-to-Guard Arrows. Instructions: Aim for the knee.'" Beast Boy read aloud.

"Um…those are, er, mine." said a familiar voice behind them. They both turned.

"The Great Can't?-!" They exclaimed.

"Uh, yes…"

"So it's you! You're the I-Used-To-Be-An-Adventurer-Like-You bandit!" Cyborg cried out.

"Well, it's shorter than my other name, at least. Wait, what are you doing? No! Don't! Wait! I can explain! AAAAAAH!-!-!"

(O)

"Alduin! I'm the dragonborn and I'm here to fight you!" the author declared.

Alduin looked at her. "Is that an Amulet of Mara?" he asked.

"What?" She looked down and did _not_ go blind, the reason being Paarthurnax was totally screwing with her. She looked back up again, her face pale. "Um…no, no it's not." she answered.

"Oh I think it is." Alduin answered with a big grin.

The author's eye's went wide. "Meep!" she squeaked.

"Let's get married!"

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!-!-!"

(8)

A/N: Wuss.

Rhea: (Pant, pant, pant) I can_not_ believe you just did that to me!

Me? That was Paarthurnax!

Rhea: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WROTE IN ALDUIN'S BIT! D:

Eh, guilty. Heheheh.

Just to clear something up:  
'Clipping' is what it's called when the objects in a video game get into each other's space. Like say you have a person standing here and a person standing there and one of them has excessively spiky armor that happens to be going through the other person's shoulder, but the game itself continues as though this isn't happening because the game makers were not anticipating that you'd have such awesome armor at this stage in the game, or it was simply too much work to take all this into consideration and they have five bazillion other things they need to work on to get this game released on time so deal with it. Anyway, that's clipping. If it happened in real life there'd be lots of blood to clean up.


	10. SLENDER

A/N: Greetings mortals! Long time no…er…read…yeah. Anyway! I can't quite remember whose suggestion it was,

Rhea: No, no, no, no, no, no!

But someone suggested we shove the Titans into some horror game.

Rhea: I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA!

Which, inevitably, means the Author is going too.

Rhea: HELP!-!-!

The game she originally picked was stupid. So I picked out another one.

Rhea: GET ME OUT OF HERE!-!-!

I decided to pick the scariest game ever. At least for you humans. Personally I'm not sure what all the fuss is about but popular opinion is pretty clear on this point.

Rhea: NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

And so, without further ado!

Rhea: INCLUDE THE FURTHER ADO! INCLUDE IT!-!-!

I bring you…

(8)

**SLENDER**

"Whoa! Who turned off the lights? Hello?"

Click.

"Oh, hey Cyborg. Thanks for the light. Um…where are we?" Beast Boy asked.

"No idea. Huh, my flashlight doesn't seem to be working too well." He tapped it a few times. It flickered but refused to shine any brighter. Oh well, it was enough to see that they were…where, exactly? It looked like some sort of forest. There was a chain-link fence behind them, and the ground was covered in dry leaves that caused their footsteps to emit loud crunching sounds. "Weird. How did we get here?"

"I dunno. One minute I'm playing Mega Monkeys and now we're here."

"Something's jamming my signal. I can't get anything. Looks like we're on our own. Let's look around and see what we can find out."

"Right…"

The two of them started walking through the odd woods. Beast Boy turned into a dog in order to sniff around but came up with…nothing. That was actually a bit worrying. "Dude, do you hear that?"

"Hear what? I don't hear anything but you, Man."

"Exactly. There should be birds, owls and such. All I'm hearing are crickets, and I'm not sure I believe them."

"You don't believe in crickets?"

"No, I mean, the chirping is too regular and it's coming from everywhere, not from any specific place like it should. And it's only one cricket too."

The chirping stopped. So did the two Titans.

"Okay, something's going on here," Cyborg stated.

"What's that down there?" Beast Boy asked.

"Looks like some sort of big red column."

"Let's check it out."

They did so.

"Oh my god, a giant rock!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

"Shut up. Hey, what's that?" Cyborg reached out and took the piece of what looked like notebook paper that had been taped to the column. It had what looked to be trees on it drawn with a black marker or pen. "Why the heck would someone put this up here in the middle of nowhere?" he demanded.

"Is it just me or does it look like one of those trees is actually—whoa, what's that sound?"

"What sound?"

"That sort of bum, bum, bum, noise. It's pretty faint. Can't you hear it?"

"I can now. Can you figure out where it's coming from?"

"Same place as that fake cricket: Everywhere."

"Great. Well this isn't getting us anywhere," Cyborg said. He put the note back on the pillar. "Let's—huh?" The thumping had suddenly stopped. Not only that, but it ended in that odd zipping noise that is usually meant to indicate a 'WTF?' pause.

The two looked at one another. Then Cyborg grabbed the note and pulled it off the pillar again. The thumping started up again. He put it back. The thumping stopped. He took it off. Yep, there was the thumping. He put it back. And it stopped. He plucked it off. 'Bum, bum, bum.' he put it ba—

"STOP DOING THAT!" shouted an apparition, erupting from the darkness like a demon from the bowels of a hell with a very formal dress code.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!-!-!"

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

Nightwing looked around but all he got from his eyes was a vague impression of treeishness in the area. He _thought_ he'd heard a scream but he wasn't sure. Where was he? It was pretty dark but he could see stars overhead. He was about to tap a button on his mask to turn on his night vision when he saw a small light over to his right. "Cyborg? Is that you?" His response was a shrike that was way too high-pitched for Cyborg. Beast Boy, maybe, but not Cyborg.

"Who's there?-!" Nightwing squinted when the light was shone directly into his eyes. "Nightwing!" The light was removed, revealing the author. She was wide-eyed and looked to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She had a flashlight in her hands but it didn't illuminate very much. There was something oppressive about the darkness around them.

"Oh, it's you. Where are we?"

"Deep trouble and heading downwards. What was that?-!" she exclaimed, spinning around with the flashlight weaving about wildly.

"That was me. I stepped on a tree branch. Why are you so jumpy?"

"Because we're in a bad-bad place and we're going to die!" she squeaked, shaking badly. "Whatever you do, don't pick up any of the pages!" she told him.

"What pages?"

She shone her light onto the trunk of a particularly large tree where a piece of paper had been taped. It had a sketch of a vaguely humanoid figure with the words 'no, no, no, no, no' written in several times downwards. "Those pages. He shows up when you take one so whatever you do _don't touch those notes_."

"He? He who?"

"I say we find one of the trucks that's in the area and get the crap outta here!" she suggested.

"Can't you fly?"

"How many times do I have to tell you people that I don't have any special self-insert powers?-!" she exclaimed.

"But you're a dragon! I thought it was a natural ability specific to your race," Nightwing pointed out.

The author paused. "Huh…well I can't. It's not part of the gameplay. Neither is the ability to use either of the trucks but I say we try it anyway!" she declared.

"Alright, so where are the trucks?"

"Um…"

"Don't you know?"

"To be honest, I never actually played the game. I just watched YouTube videos of other people playing it so I could be glad it wasn't me."

Nightwing slapped himself in the face. Then he looked around. "There's that sound again," he said, hearing a 'bum, bum, bum' that seemed to be coming from everywhere. "It was going off and on some time ag—what?" he asked, seeing the author's face.

"SOMEONE GRABED ONE OF THE PAGES!" she screamed. She grabbed his arm and started running. "Run away! Run away!"

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

The rows of columns weren't much to look at and Raven wasn't entirely sure what they were supposed to be. It seemed to her that the whole point of these columns was to stand there so people could tape up their posters or amateur attempts at German Expressionist art. There was only one, and the caption read, "Always watches. No Eyes." She took it off the pillar so she could get a better look and then she put it into one of her sub-space pockets. Well, at least this vandal was considerate enough to plaster something that could be easily taken back down. Maybe they ran out of spray paint.

What was that thumping sound? She looked around. For a moment she thought she saw some kind of figure in the distance but it vanished when she blinked. Must have been her imagination. She decided to start looking for the others.

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

"Nightwing? Nightwing!"

"Raven! Raven can you hear me?"

"Nightwing!"

"Raven!"

Observe the priorities.

"I am beginning to doubt the usefulness of calling out like this," Rorek put forward. "It seems to me that this place, wherever it is, muffles the sound. I do not think our voices are carrying very far."

"It is very dark," Starfire said nervously. Rorek's light spell wasn't providing very much illumination. "I wonder what that strange bumping noise is."

"I wish I knew how we got here," Rorek mused. "Why is there a piece of paper with the word 'Follows' on that small building there?"

"I don't know," Starfire answered, pulling it off. She looked around. "Do you hear that?"

"What _is_ that?" Rorek wondered. There was another sound now. "Let us continue our search."

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

"What kind of bathroom doesn't have any toilets!-?" Red X demanded.

"There are chairs," Malchior pointed out.

"Not helpful! Gah! This is so pointless! And why is the only graffiti on a piece of paper? I mean, what's the point of that? Someone could just walk over and take it right off like so. Honestly, some people just don't think."

"What are you doing with that marker?"

"Showing them how you're _supposed_ to graffiti bathrooms."

"I thought you had a rather pressing issue to take care of."

"Oh…right…I guess there's always the forest." Red X walked out a ways, found a tree, and took care of said pressing issue.

Someone was watching him. Someone who didn't have a face.

"Dude! Do you mind?" he demanded.

"Oh, sorry." The tall figure scuttled away. "Don't mind me."

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

"Is it the battery?"

"Nope."

"Fuses?"

"Nope."

"Power steering fluid?"

"Why would that effect the engine?"

"Search me. I don't know anything about cars. I'm just spouting out random car mechanics stuff that I've heard on the fly. So why _won't_ it start up?"

"No gas."

"Oh…yep, that'd do it."

"I can hear a third sound now. Got any more ideas?"

"Yep, curl up into the fetal position and cry for our mothers."

"Anything more productive?"

"We could run screaming through the woods with our arms flailing about over our heads."

"How would that help?"

"It'd make me feel better."

Nightwing sighed. "Alright, look, there are some tanks or something off that way. Let's go see if they've got any gas in them." Nightwing closed the hood of the truck and started walking.

"Wait! Don't leave me!" the author called, taking her seat belt off.

From the back seat of the tank truck there came a voice: "Hey guys. What'cha doing?"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!-!-! RUN FOR IT!-!-!" the author screamed.

"It was just a simple question…"

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

Raven was trying to figure out what the point of all these big tanks was (besides a second place for people to post up another page of their odd creepy drawings, of course) when the author ran by screaming. She might not have cared, but she had Nightwing in tow so she ran after them. "Nightwing! What's going on?" she called out.

There was what looked to be a rest area of some sort off in the distance. They ran for it but the author stopped abruptly before entering.

"What? What's wrong?" Nightwing asked.

"That's a death trap. You don't want to go in there unless it's the first page you grab." the author answered.

"Hey guys!" called a voice behind them.

"We'll just run right through we'll just go right through in one way out the other LET'S GO!" she shouted, running like mad with her flashlight held resolutely in front of her.

Nightwing and Raven looked at one another, looked at the figure behind them, and decided to follow very, very swiftly.

"Run like a boss, run like a boss, run like a b—oof!" she slammed into something that felt like a rather narrow brick wall and fell backwards.

Malchior looked down at the author. "You? Oh good, where are we? And where's—oh, there you are," he said, spotting Raven.

"There's something weird chasing us. Are you able to fly?" Raven asked.

"Nope. And X's teleporter belt isn't working either."

"Red X is here too? Where is he?" Nightwing asked.

"Right here. Dang, Wonder Boy, when you built this suit you weren't thinking too much about bathroom necessities were you? It's not exactly easy to perform one's ablutions in this thing," Red X said, adjusting his belt as he strode towards them.

Another layer of sound was suddenly added to the odd background.

The author screamed. "WHO KEEPS PICKING UP THE PAGES?-!"

"Pages?" Raven asked.

"Apparently this thing, whatever it is, doesn't like us picking up these pieces of paper with drawing on them and starts chasing people when you do," Nightwing translated.

"Er…you mean…um…these bits of removable graffiti?" Red X asked, producing one such page.

"WHY WOULD YOU JUST PICK THAT UP YOU EFFING IDIOT GO PUT IT BACK RIGHT NOW—OH CRAP!"

"Hey guys! Can I be in the fanfic?" called the thing that was now in the bathrooms behind them.

"RUN FOR IT!"

"Uh, why?" Malchior asked. But Raven was following the author so he wasn't about to stay behind.

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

"There is another of these strange papers," Starfire said, picking it up off the wall. It said 'Leave me alone'.

"Why are these walls out here in the middle of a forest?" Rorek wondered. "I mean, I might understand if they were once part of some dwelling that was torn down, but these walls look to be in quite good condition and I see no evidence that there was once any other part to the building. One would at least expect to find some sort of paved ground, surely."

"Let us move on," Starfire suggested. "I do not like the creepiness."

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

"I see another light!" Red X announced.

"Cyborg? Is that you?" Nightwing called.

"Nightwing!" Starfire cheered as she and Rorek came into view with Rorek's light spell leading the way.

"Oh good, now we just have to find Cyborg and Beast Boy," Nightwing said.

"Yeah, then we can all die together!" the author said with mock cheerfulness.

"Hey guyyyyyyyys."

The author screamed and leapt into Red X's arms. He dropped her. "No," he said flatly.

"Alright, look, what are you and what do you want?" Malchior demanded.

"I am the Slender Man and I found this wallet on the ground. Does it belong to any of you?" he asked, waving said wallet, which was being held in a tentacle of some kind.

"Oh hey, that's mine. Thanks!" Red X said.

"No problem. Also, I have a question for the author." he said.

The author whimpered. "Y-y-yes?" she squeaked.

"Can I be in the fanfic?"

"Wh-what?"

"I would like to be in the fanfic."

"Y-y-yeah, s-sure! Whatever you want!"

"Awesome. Can I be a glang?"

"W-w-what?"

"I would like to be a glang."

"W-why?"

"I like the sound of the word."

"B-b-b-but the-the glang are these l-little things that are all-all-all—"

"You can say I am a different type of glang."

"Yeah! Okay! S-sure! That'll work!"

"Yay! See you later." And he was gone.

"That wasn't all that scary," Nightwing observed.

"I think the author disagrees." Malchior said, pointing down at said author who was curled into a fetal position and crying for her mother.

"Where are Cyborg and Beast Boy, though?" Starfire asked.

"Oh I killed them. Sorry about that. They were being very annoying," Slender Man answered, making a brief last appearance before disappearing again.

"Aw crap," said Red X.

"We're going to have to get Iron Man to fill in for Cyborg again until the author revives them, aren't we?" Raven asked.

"But who will fill in for Beast Boy?" Rorek questioned.

**(SSSSSSHHHHHHOWEEE-EEE-E-E)**

"HULK SMASH!"

"No, no, no, no, no! It's, 'dude' and 'tofu' and stuff like that. Also you play video games. Here, give it a shot."

"Huuur?"

CRUNCH!

"Uh, oops. Well video game controllers aren't that expensive…um, we'll work up to it, shall we?"

"Halo 4 is coming out?-! WHEN?-!" Tony Stark demanded.

(8)

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it!

Rhea: (Babbling in incoherent fear)

She's fine. She'll get over it. Later mortals! Oh, yeah, and review or something I guess.


	11. Christmas Party

A/N: Sorry about the delay guys! Week before last I couldn't think of anything, and then last week I had to work Saturday XP bleh. Oh well, but this week I have compiled an amalgamation of all the helpful ideas my lovely reviewers have so kindly granted me.

Cat: Hang on…something's wrong here…

I realized, thanks to the wonderful Browny Pink, that a Teen Titans Christmas Party would be perfect for this holiday season!

Cat: Is this Squares? This is Squares, isn't it? Why am I—

And now, without further ado and with one cat who is about to learn the meaning of vengeance, though probably not Christmas,

Cat: Wait, what?!

I give you,

(8)

**Christmas Party**

T'was a few nights before Christmas and all through the tower, not a creature was sleeping, not even a mouse – which was actually Beast Boy who had decided to pull a prank on Argent.

"That doesn't rhyme," stated the cat.

SHUT UP I DON'T CARE! Ahem, the stockings were all torn down and being eaten by Teether, who'd already gotten into trouble over the punch bowl, the ornaments, and some cat's tail.

"I hate you all," hissed what had to be one of the most unconventional tree-top angels that'd ever been seen in the T-Tower. Which is saying something considering its occupants.

The children were going wild, too wired for bed, while too much caffeine danced in their heads.

"PARTYYYYY!-!-!"

"TIMMY! DO WE NEED TO HAVE ANOTHER TALK ABOUT IN-HOUSE VOLUME CONTROL!-?"

"Sorry…"

Starfire in her scarf, and Nightwing in his bowtie (which had been magicked into place by a certain white-haired someone he only _thought_ was his friend), were just getting started for a long winter party.

"On my planet we celebrate the changing of seasons by striking one another with coddlflots! Shall we?" Starfire asked hopefully, holding out what appeared to be a chain of rather large and heavy-looking iron marbles. Nightwing stared at it and wondered whether it'd be better to try explaining the general fragility of the human race, AGAIN, or to think of some excuse not to. Saying that being smacked around by a bunch of iron balls was against the Christmas tradition _might_ work…

"Uh…hey, look, mistletoe!"

"Where!?"

"Uhhhh…looks like Slenderman is holding it…"

"Kissy, kissy," said the tall, faceless man.

"Who invited that guy!-?" Cyborg demanded angrily.

"I never get invited to Christmas parties. This is the best Christmas ever."

"That's great, but **keep your hands off my kids. Got it?"** snarled The Other.

Slenderman started to sweat. "K-k-kids? What kids? I see no kids. None at all!"

"Glad we understand one another," Raven said pleasantly.

Over by the tree…

"That's not an angel," Iron Man stated.

"Brilliant observation there, Sherlock. Would you like to make another?"

"You're a cat…"

"Amazing, how do you do it?"

"It _is_ a white cat," Speedy pointed out. "Close enough."

"Not hardly," Iron Man snorted. "Anyway, how are you talking?" he asked the cat.

"I'm not talking. Cats can't talk. Everyone knows this," she answered.

"But…"

Elsewhere…

"Rorek's the best!" shouted Kate Clone 1.

"No Malchior!" argued Clone 4.

"Rorek's the real wizard here!" retorted 3.

"Malchior was here first!" stated 2

"Team Rorek!" cheered 1

"Team Malchior!" 2 interjected.

"How about Team Keep-Your-Hands-Off-My-Boyfriends?" Raven suggested with a growl.

Kate the Professional Fangirls looked at one another, merged back into one Billy Numerous-style, gave her a nervous smile, and sidled away.

"I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes…" Malchior whimpered.

"How does one cram over a thousand years' worth of memory into a single flash?" Rorek asked.

"It was pretty blurry, I'll give you that."

A bloom of mistletoe was waved high up over their heads by an inhumanly long arm.

"Kissy, kissy!" said Slenderman eagerly. The place where his eyes would have been had he had eyes went wide. "Whoa…I've never seen that before…"

"Never seen what be—oh, god! How are they—how is that even _possible_?-!" Jinx exclaimed.

"What, kissing two people at once? You have to rewrite the very fabric of reality. Or exist in a fanfictional one. One of the two," Thanatos answered.

Back at the tree…

"Yoruichi!" Kate squealed, jumping up and down in an attempt to reach the tree angel which was actually an evil white cat, who glowered down at her.

"Why is this human sneezing at me?" she wondered.

"She's not. She thinks you're a character from an anime called Bleach," answered a voice from within the branches. Another cat's head poked out and looked up at the white one.

"Who the heck are you?" the white cat demanded.

"You're, uh, friend, apparently…" the other cat answered uncertainly.

"_Friends_? Us? We're cats!"

"It's been known to happen…"

A third cat's head poked out of the tree. This one was extremely fat and tabby. It looked around. "I think someone spiked that lasagna. Where am I?" it asked.

"Oh now we're just getting ridiculous!" exclaimed the white one.

The tree started to tip over with the weight of the fat cat.

"Augh! Get back in the branches! Get back in the branches!"

The tabby cat scrambled back into the tree so it leveled out. The other two breathed a sigh of relief.

"My owner is so dead…" the white cat growled.

"What happened to your tail, by the way?"

"Shut up!"

Back somewhere else…

"Fortune cookies? This isn't a Christmas tradition," Beast Boy mused.

"This elderly woman was selling them at a small stall which also supported a cursed mirror with the soul of a wambat and a Chinese finger trap that eats your socks!" Belladonna told them.

"Well that doesn't sound suspicious at all! Hang on, what happened to your French accent?"

"I'm on holiday. Or the author got lazy. One of the two."

"And here I thought this party was going to be lame," Red X chuckled, taking one of the fortune cookies. He opened it up and read the note. "'You are about to be hit on the back of the head by a snowball.'" he read aloud. "Wha—?" A snowball smacked into the back of his head and he whirled around to see a rather confused-looking Rorek standing there. "Dude! What was that for?"

"I do not know…I simply had this…curious urge to throw packed sphere of snow at you and I did not have the presence of mind to stop myself. It was very…odd."

"'You are about to have the most horrifying experience of your life.'" Beast Boy read aloud.

"Look who's under the mistletoe!" Slenderman said, holding the bloom up over the heads of Beast Boy and himself. "Kissy, kissy!"

"AAAAAAAHHH!-!-!"

"Self-fulfilling prophecies, maybe?" Red X wondered. And then an evil smile, mostly hidden by the mask with only the shape of the eyes as an indicator, spread across his face. "Heheheheheheh…"

Elsewhere…

"Thor, why do you keep following that goth around?" Iron Man asked.

"Silence, mortal! Don't question me!" he hissed.

"Thor? Do you know Cyborg's backup?" Argent asked.

"No! No! Of course not! We only just met! Haven't we?"

"No, we haven't, we—"

BAM!

"Whoops! Clumsy me! Lost control of my hammer there for a moment. I'm so sorry!" Thor said.

"The pain…" Tony Stark whimpered.

"Now where is that Slenderman person?" Thor murmured.

"You mean the creepy guy with the mistletoe? He's right…oh." Argent said, looking up.

"Kissy, kissy!"

"Hey, Iron Man, are you al—_whoa_…" Dr. Banner (AKA: Hulk) stopped, staring.

"I know, right?"

"I'm sure that kind of kissing is not appropriate for this environment," said the doctor. There was a tug on his pants. He looked down and his eyes went wide when he saw Timmy.

"Should I be taking notes?" he asked.

Raven went white, her jaw dropped, and her eyes became two large blank circles. She made a sound like the creaking of a rusty door hinge and fainted dead away.

Elsewhere…

"Fortune cookie? Whoa…uh…who are you? You're not a Titan."

"No, I…ah…I am Alduin, the World Eater."

"What, from Skyrim?" Red X asked incredulously.

"Yes, I ah, I am from Skyrim, yes. I am currently in human form because apparently that is possible in this world. Hmm…in any case, I am looking for my fiancé. Have you seen her? She has lots of wild violet hair that defies the laws of physics, pointed ears, horns, and a tail. She's a bit difficult to miss, I admit."

"Dude…you're engaged to the author? Tough luck, man."

"What do you mean?"

"Is it some kind of arraigned deal? Did her father get his shotgun out or something?"

"What? No. I proposed. And anyway, what is a shotgun?"

"_You_ proposed to _her_? _Why_?"

Alduin opened his mouth, and then closed it, trying to think. "To be honest, she's the first female dragon I've ever met."

"Huh, you know, I noticed that Skyrim seemed a bit sparse in the lady dragon department. At least with the ones you meet who actually talk, and who can tell just by the names? So, rarity value then, that makes sense. Well, I haven't seen her all day but she's got to turn up sometime. There's this contract or other so stick around. Sure you don't want a fortune cookie?"

"Hey, hey dragon…person! Up here!"

Alduin looked up. "Is that cat talking?"

"Of course not, cats don't talk. Anyway, listen. You want to find your fiancé, right?"

"That is the whole reason I am here, walking around in this human body. Although I can't say I am all that disappointed where the whole finger thing is involved. These are far more dexterous than claws."

"Right, right, whatever. Well, you want the author, and I want back in my rightful place as absolute master over this universe. So let's help each other out. Do me a favor, and take _that_ fortune cookie. The one on the left—no, no farther left, no more to the—yes! That one! Now open it up, and read it."

"'You will find what you are looking for in two seconds.'" he read.

0.0' uh oh…

Two second later there was a scream, a crash, and two hissing, spitting cats ran out of the broken remains of what had been a rather beautifully decorated Christmas tree. The author, having fallen back into her own fanfic, groaned and looked around for a cat to kill. But since SOMEONE has to be writing this it just so happened that the same instant she fell in, the cat returned to her proper seat of power.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!-!-!

"Way to crash the party," Malchior chuckled.

The author groaned, got to her feet, looked around, and whimpered, ears drooping as she spotted Alduin.

"There you are! I have been looking for you for months now. Where have you been? We have a wedding to plan!" Alduin told her.

"You are getting married?-! How wonderful!" Starfire cheered.

"No! No! I'm not ready! I don't want to get married yet! I'm too young! I still sleep with a blanket at night! I have too many spoons! There's a duck in the fridge! We left the frogs outside all night!"

A familiar white hand hovered over the two dragons with a little green shoot held in its fingers. The author looked up at it and paled. "Kissy, kissy!" said Slenderman.

"What?" asked Alduin.

"You're supposed to kiss her now," Red X informed him with a smirk. The author whimpered.

"Ah…ahem…yes…how does that work, exactly?" Alduin asked. "I'm afraid I do not know what this…kissing thing is supposed to accomplish…or what it is."

"I know someone who could teach you," Argent giggled with a big grin on her face.

"I hate you all!" the author cried.

(8)

A/N: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rhea: Evil, you are EVIL! I hate you so much!

**SPECIAL ALERT! PLEASE READ!**

The AMAZING Browny Pink has actually written actual music for the actual song that Malchior sings Raven to sleep with in Chapter 6 of Circles. It is REALLY GOOD! She is an awesome pianist and song-writer and you all have GOT to check it out. Go on YouTube and search for 'Wake in Fire' posted by JazzyJMCKaila. It actually sounds like something you'd hear in a renaissance festival or Medieval Times! She did a really good job. YOU'RE SO AWESOME BROWNY PINK! :D

PS: There probably won't be another Squares next week or the week after because next week's Christmas and the week after is notoriously bat(bleep) crazy where work is concerned. MARRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!


	12. Obligatory Hogwarts Trip

A/N: I am SO SORRY for the lack of updates. I have two excuses: One, Year-End is THE DEVIL. Two, I just flat don't have many ideas. Hopefully this rather longer-than-usual chapter will be good enough! As for the progress of Knots…uh…well…it's not coming along quite as soon as I thought it'd be. SO SORRY! It is coming, just, um, slowly. ^_^' ANYWAY!

Cat: I can't believe you're actually doing this.

Shut up, I'm having fun! This actually turned out a bit more, well, semi-story-like than I expected. Not quite as crazy as the last few chapters but I hope it's still funny enough. It more or less takes place during book 5, Order of the Phoenix, but don't expect it to stay canon :D. Like, at all. Enjoy!

(0)

**Obligatory Hogwarts Trip**

"There is no 'Platform Nine and Three-Quarters'!" Jinx exclaimed angrily. "There's a Platform Nine and a Platform Ten. Where's the Three-Quarters? And why Three-Quarters? If it's somehow in-between it should be 'Platform Nine and a Half'! Why Nine and Three-Quarters!?" she demanded.

"Probably because the portal itself is on the 10's side of the barrier," Rorek offered.

"Portal? What portal? I don't see a portal. Where on this bit of paper does it say that there's a portal? I do not see any details about this portal that any normal person would be able to understand! How do they expect muggle-born people to navigate this?!" Jinx demanded.

"I have to agree with Jinx on this. Just saying 'Nine and Three-Quarters' is not a whole lot of help for anyone who can't sense where the magic is and what it's doing," Raven forwarded.

"You know what? You're right," said Malchior. He cracked his knuckles, "So! Any suggestions for how we can screw up the portal?"

"Make everyone who walks through it pink?" Jinx asked.

"I've got a better idea," said Argent, pulling out a bright red Sharpe, "And it doesn't require any magic whatsoever."

Several minutes later and a few undercover ministry workers were desperately scrubbing away the bright red words on the barrier reading, "Help! Help! I don't know how to get through this portal. The letter I got from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry didn't come with any instructions! Please assist! Am I supposed to just lean against this wall and be magically transported to the magical platform? Right here? Oh, okay then!" as well as the large door-shaped outline someone had decided to draw.

(0)

**Train ride**

The five magic-users had a compartment all to themselves for no discernible reason. After all, there was still plenty of space for more passengers, but people just sort of glanced into the compartment and hurried away. No idea why.

But the other compartments were filling up fast and options were becoming limited. One girl opened the door saying, "There's plenty of space in—oh…" she stared, blinking several times as if not sure she was seeing right. "You…must be the new transfer students. Right?" she asked.

"No, we're figments of your imagination and by Maartuz but you have a creative one, don't you?" Malchior answered.

Raven gabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. "Be nice!"

"Yes Love…"

"Come on in! Plenty of room. Mind that one, he bites," Argent said to the young girl and the older boy she was with, jerking her thumb to Malchior.

"Only in private," he said with a smirk in his eyes.

Raven's eyes shot open. "MALCHIOR!" she snapped angrily, head jerking up from the textbook she was reading. She snapped it shut and bonked him on the head with it. "Behave!" she exclaimed while Jinx and Argent started to giggle.

The two students looked at one another, their locked gaze passing the information that perhaps stepping into that compartment was a very bad idea. Unfortunately it was too late. Jinx reached out, grabbed them both, pulled them inside, and shut the door behind them, sitting them down on the bench seats that were, for the purposes of this drabble, much larger than they probably should be. She then threw a bit of pink spellfire at their trunks so that they floated up into the luggage compartment on their own. "Introduction time! My name is Jinx, that's Argent, that's Raven, and those two are Malchior and Rorek who are actually one person with two personalities walking around in two bodies," she introduced. "It's complicated, but weirder stuff has happened. Just think of them as a sort of yin-yang."

"He's the evil twin," Malchior said, jerking his thumb at his brother on the other side of Raven.

"Not very convincing, is he?" Rorek mused. "Do excuse him. He didn't exactly want to come. And you are?"

"Ginny Weasley," answered the red-haired girl.

"_Weasley_? My condolences."

"Ignore him," Raven said, whacking Malchior in the face with her book.

"And you, serrah?" Rorek asked the boy.

"Harry Potter…" he answered, sounding somewhat reluctant.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintance. I apologize for your rather forced position as our first acquaintances but I do hope we can be friends," Rorek said.

"Absolutely!" Ginny answered eagerly.

"So…you're transfer students? How does that work?" Harry asked.

"It doesn't, actually. It's a fanfic thing. I think if they tried to bring actual American witches and wizards to Hogwarts there'd be a big stink over this whole 'sorting' business. Particularly from the goths, punks, hipsters, and scene kids who resent being labeled," Raven answered.

"Are you going to be sorted?" Ginny asked.

"No, I'm just going to tell them I want to be in Ravenclaw and then wait for the sniggering to stop," she answered.

"Same here," said Argent. "Though in my case there won't be any sniggering. More's the pity."

"I'm thinking Gryffindor for me. I like cats," said Jinx.

"What about you?" Ginny asked Rorek.

"Probably Gryffindor as well. Or Hufflepuff, I have yet to decide," he answered.

"And you?" Harry asked Malchior, though he had a feeling he could guess.

"Slytherin," Malchior answered immediately.

Raven narrowed her eyes at him. "Why do I get the feeling you have ulterior motives for picking that house?" she asked suspiciously.

Malchior gave her a wide-eyed look of innocence that fooled no one. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Love."

"I feel sorry for Slytherin house," Rorek said.

"That hurts, Brother."

Later…

"Come on in! Plenty of room!" Jinx said, pulling Ron and Hermione into the cart.

"Uh, how?" Ron asked.

"Did these compartments get bigger?" Hermione asked.

"Do we even know how big they are anyway?" Ginny wondered.

"Welcome, new friends. Introduction time!" Jinx said.

Later…part 2

Raven looked up when the door opened and a pale youth with blond hair stood in the doorway flanked by two larger youths. She narrowed her eyes. The boy was smirking unpleasantly at Harry Potter.

"What!?" Harry demanded aggressively before the boy could speak, apparently rolling a higher initiative check.

"Manners, Potter, or I'll have to give you a detention."

She closed her book. "No," she began under her breath. "We're not doing this."

Malchior put a hand on her arm to stop her, "Raven, I will carry your books for the entire year. Hell, I'll carry you and whatever else you want just please, please, _please_ can we do this?" he begged quietly as the boys nipped at one another.

"You see I, unlike you, have been made a prefect. Which means I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments," the blond boy continued.

"Yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git. So get out and leave us alone!"

"Tell me, how does it feel to be second best to Weasley, Potter?"

"Uh, hello? Do we not even exist over here?" Argent demanded.

"You have two people with white skin and red eyes, one with pink hair and pink eyes, one with white hair and eyeliner—"

"It is _not_ eyeliner!"

"—and one with dark violet hair and gray skin. How can you just _pass this over_?" Jinx demanded.

"I think the author is trying to stick to the book's own script," Raven mused.

"Doesn't really work, though. I mean, I'm sure that, in the book if we were to show up, the first thing out of his mouth would be some comment about pink hair. Or eyeliner."

"Look, my hair is white, my eyelashes are black, it just happened! Okay!?"

"So, can we try this again?" Jinx asked, turning back to the blond boy. "Hi, we're the new transfer students! Go ahead, say something!" she invited.

He sneered. "Are you pureblood?" he asked.

"Uh…no, no I got some cat mixed into my DNA a while back. It was a very unpleasant experience, but I'm quite happy with it, so that's alright," she answered.

"Nope," said a snickering Malchior. "I'm pretty sure there's some human in our ancestry. Quite a lot of it, probably."

"Half-human," Raven announced, unable to stop the amused smirk.

"Hang on, hang on! You mean you British wizards are actually concerned about bloodlines?" Argent demanded. "Oh, my god, that explains _so much_ about the Ministry of Magic!"

"Inbreeding!" Jinx busted out laughing. "Holy crap! Are _you_ pureblood? Do you have six toes!? I'll bet he has six toes!"

"We should find out."

"We totally should."

"You keep your hands off me! I will give you detention! Crabbe! Goyle!"

"Come on, cutie! We just want to count your inbred toes!"

Flashes of pink and red spellfire danced across the hall beyond their compartment as the two super heroines ran after the Slytherins, who had no idea what was going on having never encountered spellfire before. Raven levitated the door closed and sighed. Then she looked over at Malchior, who appeared to be in shock.

"_I_ was supposed to do that!" he exclaimed. "Well, not that specifically, I mean I could care less about his toes but they could have at least let me pull out some line about being his worst nightmare and then set his robes on fire or _something_!"

Raven patted him soothingly on the head. "There, there. I'm sure you'll get your chance to completely and utterly terrorize every student in your chosen house until they wet themselves at the very sight of you. Calm down."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Malchior pouted.

Rorek sighed and slouched back as screams of outrage filtered through the compartment door. "Wake me when we've arrived," he said.

Not for the first time did Harry wonder what they'd just walked into.

(0)

**Sorting**

"DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, YOU DID _WHAT_!?"

"Are you really supposed to be making comments?"

"AND THAT—AUGH, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN—WHO WOULD—_HOW_ DID YOU—AND THIS BLOOD MAGIC, I DON'T EVEN _WANT_ TO KNOW—THAT SHOULDN'T EVEN BE _POSSIBLE_! HOW CAN YOU—AUGH! SLYTHERIN! DEAR GOD, PUT HIM IN SLYTHERIN AND GOOD LUCK TO THEM! JUST GET ME OFF THIS PERSON'S HEAD! AUGH!"

"Congratulations, Malchior!" Jinx, who was at the Gryffindor table, called out. "You just sent a personality-induced inanimate object into hysterics."

He bowed, exciting some nervous chuckling from the Slytherin table.

The Transfer students were the last to be sorted, which left just Raven and Rorek. Rorek was next.

"NO! NO! DON'T PUT ME ON HIS HEAD! DON'T PUT ME ON HIS HEAD!" the hat screamed when Rorek sat down.

"I assure you I am not my brother."

"CLOSE ENOUGH! NO WAY AM I GETTING NEAR THAT AGAIN! GRYFFINDOR! JUST PUT HIM IN GRYFFINDOR! NEXT PLEASE!" he screamed.

Raven sat down and the hat was put on her head.

Silence.

And then, "Er…wow, this is awkward," said the hat.

"What?" Raven asked.

"I can't read your thoughts. At all. Um…"

"Just put me in Ravenclaw."

"Very well, Ravenclaw!"

(0)

**The Speech**

"The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance. The rare gifts with which you were born will come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction. The ancient skills unique to the wizarding community must be passed down through the generations lest we lose them forever."

"She's only been speaking for a few seconds and already I want to kill myself," Argent whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

"The treasure trove of magical knowledge amassed by our ancestors must be guarded, replenished, and polish by those who have been called to the noble profession of teaching."

"There is something inherently dislikeable about her, isn't there?" Raven mused.

"Every headmaster and headmistress of Hogwarts had brought something new to the weighty task of governing this historic school. That is as it should be; for without progress there will be stagnation and decay. Ere again, progress for progress's sake must be discouraged, for our tried and tested traditions often require no tinkering."

"Yeah, sometimes they require a blunt instrument. What the hell is she going on about?" Argent muttered.

"A balance, then, between old and new. Between permanence and age. Between tradition and innovation."

"I GET IT!" someone shouted in the audience. Heads turned but the source of the voice was not readily apparent. "I know what this is! It's a metaphor for all the garbage that governments spout at us when they decide they want more power and try to convince us that it's a good thing even though what their regulations _actually_ do is destroy small businesses and hemorrhage the economy with pointlessly expensive laws that all have pretty little 'but this is for your own good' tags on them!"

Argent and Raven looked at one another. "I thought the Author was going to keep her political views out of her fanfics," Argent mused.

"I guess the opening was too good to pass up. Also, she just got a good look at her last two paychecks and realized how much more the taxes are going to be for this year," Raven said.

"SOCIALISM DOESN'T WORK!-!-! HOW MANY TIMES IS THIS PLANET GOING TO TRY THIS BEFORE WE FINALLY GET THE PICTURE!-? IF YOU LIKE SOCIALISM SO MUCH GO MOVE TO NORTH KOREA!-!-!"

"I think she's getting a bit off topic, now," Raven mused.

"Bitter much?" Argent snickered.

(0)

**Common Room**

"Now that the professor is out of the room," Malchior began, smiling at the small sea of faces whose eyes were all drawn to him by the ball of black spellfire he was holding in his hand, "Allow me to introduce myself properly. I am Malchior. _The_ Malchior, if any of you know the stories. And, yes, I did used to burn down villages and eat people and I was sealed inside a book for a thousand years by my brother Rorek. I, however, have reformed. That is to say that I am a tightly strung wad of bitter ill-will held in check by spit and rubber bands. Many of you, however, are bastards just like I was, and still am to some degree but at least I try not to be these days. I blame the inbreeding. But! Never fear! For I have taken it upon myself, as a reformed villain, to ensure each and every one of you either become better people or nervous blubbering piles of skin and bones who can't sleep at night because they are frightened of their own shadows – and rightly so. Whichever comes first. In other words, welcome to hell on earth."

(0)

**Potions Lesson**

"It occurs to me that this class would be a lot easier without that rather unpleasant man glowering at everyone," Rorek mused over his cauldron. "And this Draught of Peace potion is needlessly complicated. You could achieve the same results by soaking an apple in a combination of Mandragora juice and feverfew tea."

"Could you?" Hermione asked, interested. "How would that work?"

"Well, you would need an alembic for the distillation process but—"

"A light silver vapor should now be rising from your potion," Snape announced.

Rorek looked over at his brother's cauldron, and then looked up at his brother's face, glaring. "What the hell is that?" he demanded.

"Draught of Peace."

"Eternal peace, I imagine."

"For some, perhaps."

"You made a different potion on purpose, didn't you?" Rorek demanded.

"How did you get the smoke to make all those skull shapes?" Ron asked, eyes wide.

"Well I've seen a lot of them and I'm quite a good artist so…yes, professor?" Malchior asked as Snape came 'round. He stared down into the black dragon's potion.

"What is that?" he asked.

"Draugh of Peace, Sir. But I may have made a few…modifications. For instance, there's no 'wake up' option," Malchior explained. "Also it dissipates so there's no trace of it left in the body. No idea how that happened."

Someone on the Slytherin side of the class started crying. In fact, it looked like all the Slytherins were huddling a bit close together…away from Malchior.

Snape decided to deal with this by _not_ dealing with it and instead moved on to an easier target – which turned out not to be an easier target at all when Malchior piped back up.

"Oh, by the way, Professor! I heard about your little, ah, favoritism problem. You know, where you pick on the Gryffindors, or one specific Gryffindor, and yet your own house could practically get away with murder? Probably not your fault, I imagine all the inbreeding must have a hand in that, so I've decided to take it upon myself to help you out!" he said cheerfully.

Snape turned slowly back to Malchior, only to face a strange device with a glass eye on it. "How?" he asked slowly.

"By recording everything you do and threatening to post it on WizardTube where magical social services – or whatever department it is that deals with magical child abuse – can see it. Admittedly the present Ministry of Magic doesn't seem too keen on Harry Potter, but that's only in Great Britton. I wonder what all the other countries would have to say about it."

"…" Snape swept back to his desk and sat down. "Bring vials of your potions forward for grading," he instructed abruptly.

"Uh…wow, thanks," Harry said.

"Why did that work?" Rorek wondered.

"Drabble logic. Things don't have to be realistic."

"That explains _so much_," Hermione said.

(0)

**Defense Against the Dark Arts**

"**Call me that again, Frog Woman, and you will be spared the need to look for your teeth because you will have no head in which to put them."**

"Uh…Raven…don't you think you're overreacting just a teensy bit?" Argent asked in a small voice.

"**I am human in the words! Human in my mind and soul! I am The Other. I am the deep dark kingdom of red, I am the Beast, I am what I am needed to be, what is not wanted to exist, I am what I am called, what I am described. I change. I am here. I am there. I am not part-human! I am all too human!"**

"I mean, I don't have a problem with it, but our classmates are all kind of…well…let's just say the House Elves are probably going to be working overtime on the pants."

"**Shall I show you the shape of your own mind? Shall I show you the face of the shadows which gather so eagerly around you for your foul stench?"**

"Yeesh, the author really doesn't like this Umbridge woman, does she?"

"Nope," said the Author, popping into existence with the sound of a brick bouncing on a frog. "Ugh, and the weird noises are back," she sighed. "Yep, Delores Jane Umbridge, proof that there is actually no such thing as Magical Social Services in Great Britton – though I think the Dursleys took care of that years ago. To be honest, I actually like this Umbridge better," she said, jerking a thumb to another who popped into existence with the sound of a cat banging its head against jelly.

"WHO DISREPECTING UMBRIDGE!-?" she…or he demanded.

"Is that a man in a curly blond wig and a little pink dress?" Argent demanded.

"Ever watched 'A Very Potter Musical' and the sequel? Freaking _hilarious_."

(0)

**Ministry of Magic**

"Hello, I am your second worst nightmare!" Malchior greeted cheerfully. "The one where this incredibly powerful wizard not only knows about your horcruxes – I can tell just by looking at you and, by the way, you're an idiot – but also knows how to kill you anyway. That," he gestured to Raven, "is your very _worst_ nightmare. The one where your own shadow comes alive and eats you."

Raven pulled out a small rag doll. Voldamort stared at it. "Bye," she said.

The worst part was that the shadows decided to leave a corpse this time.

"Well…that was kind of fun, I guess," Argent offered when it was all over.

"…Not really," Raven said. "Let's just go back home and ignore the huge plot holes, continuity breaks, and complete and utter lack of sense."

"You mean the whole magical wizarding world combined with the super hero one?" Jinx asked.

"Some worlds can be stuck together in a decent crossover. This is not one of those cases. And, to be honest, when it comes to spellfire versus wands, I'd prefer the limitations of the wands. Seems to make things a bit more fair but I guess that's just me," Raven mused.

"Yeah, you're right," said the Author. "A decent crossover is one between fandoms with some sort of equal footing. This one was way too one-sided to be much good. Which is why it's a drabble instead of an actual story!"

"Yeah, it sucked."

"Malchior!"

(8)

A/N: T_T

Cat: I say scrap it.

I've got nothing else…


End file.
